last day of the year. Farewell 2013

December 31 dawned misty and cool, although I know the day will develop into a warm one. There is a real stillness, a real winding down. The Dark Moon is here and the end of the year. I am feeling slightly melancholic today. My daughter and her family left yesterday after a visit for Christmas and it has left an emptiness in my life. No more gorgeous little faces at my door each morning. no cheeky little laughs or the word 'grandma' being said umpteen times when they want to ask a question. But an early morning walk, to the lookouts, soon brings me to a state of peace. The low cloud and mist, the sun glinting on the sandstone cliffs, black cockatoos enjoying a breakfast of pine nuts - all these things make something within stir. Is this gratitude? Seeing God in all.
Melancholia is a constant companion of mine and I am learning to consider it a friend of sorts. It visits and goes and over the past year, 2013, it has visited quite often along with the depression that goes with post traumatic stress. It is a long journey to wellness but I have a plan to help this journey.

first of all, every morning, I am going to take a walk into my garden and find something to be grateful for and I am going to create art around that.

And although I don't 'do' New Years resolutions, this coming year I feel a need to promise my SELF a few things. Going into 2014, January 1, a New year, my birthday AND a New Moon all on the same day.

This calls for something special, I think.

In 2014, I am going to surround myself with people who support and care for ME, I am going to moon gaze at times and lose myself in my garden, often.
I will eat good wholesome food 85% of the time and I will exercise to help my body to stay healthy.

2014 will be all about ME. Not in a selfish way but in a nurturing, caring way of self. I will stop and ponder before I make any decisions even as to what I order in a café. I will stop and think before I say yes to anyone or anything.
I am not allowing other peoples actions to upset my inner balance. I promise myself that I will walk away from friendships that do not honour or support my highest good. I will learn to take instead of constantly give.
I will journal and make art everyday. I will finish my scarf.
I will dance in my kitchen. I will go on more picnics.
I will spend time with God, sometimes in a church and sometimes not.

A new Year, a turning point for me between the Old and the New.
 

Midsummer Day

the temps soared the day before the traditional Midsummer date. Oppressive heat even here in the mountains, reminiscent of those hot, hot summer days of my childhood. Not being able to sleep at night, tossing and turning, wishing sleep would visit. Woken before dawn with the cacophony of white cockatoos flying over head, too tired to even get up to see if they were destroying my apples.
I am not a lover of summer.
I got up early, after the sleepless night and went out into the garden to water - there was a slight coolness but I knew another scorcher was coming. Watering the garden, I felt a stillness - like something had peaked. Waiting. And then I remembered, that tomorrow we would be on the inward spiral once again towards winter. Even if only a nano of a second every day, at least summer had peaked. That is not to say our summer is over. No. Our hottest month is yet to come. And of course there is the exact moment of Midsummer whenever that is, but I follow the traditional dates. It suits me better.

above is a photo from Inglewood, taken in Midsummer 2009.

The Pixie is now sitting under the apple tree here at Avalon

on my early morning solstice walk, I spotted yellow flower growing from a crack. I am not sure if it is St. Johns wort but it made me think of the plant. perfect for midsummer! like a golden sun, coming into fullness.

I planted a miniature pear tree in our back garden and then in the late afternoon, Joe and I went to the local growers market where we bought eggs, duck fat, olives for Christmas & a slice of Tart au chocolate to share, sitting on the grass in the cool. I also bought a daisy for my garden.
then for dinner, we did go to Katoomba Falls lookout and enjoyed chicken and red wine with candle light and then came home for dessert of Midsummer fruit salad and icecream

 

 

coming to Midsummer

Midsummer and Christmas occur within days of each other here in the southern hemisphere.

and yearly, I agonize over how to celebrate. Celebrating Midsummer is a personal thing that I do, as it is not embraced by any one else that I know, within my local circle of friends. They are all busy with planning Christmas celebrations and all that goes along with that. And I do that as well, although to a lesser extent.
However, the tradition of me hanging my wreath on the door on December 1st and then, continuing to decorate my home over the following weeks, following Advent within the Catholic faith, still continues for me as well.

to celebrate both may seem odd to some, but they are both a big part of my soul and with each, I celebrate and honour with LOVE. For me, to be able honour both, brings joy to my spirit and yes, both are all about LOVE.

And so, we come to Midsummer. The middle of summer, the heat. The dryness. The snapping of leaves and grass underfoot.

I am not an initiated witch, but I feel deeply within, the moving of the wheel of the seasons throughout the year and I love to try and follow some old ways of my ancestors. I don't understand the lore of each season or the stories, but I do what feels right.  Of course, not knowing what these are exactly, I am at liberty to pick and choose what I can find. And these mostly involve ritual and herbs. And acknowledging the day with special food.

Midsummer for me, evokes a lot of memories - Christmas bush which blooms at this time of year, the blue and white agapanthus, stone fruit in abundance - peaches and nectarines are favourites. The shimmering light of summer, hazy and hot.

Blooming in my garden at the moment are vervain, elderberry, celandine & Valerian.  Herbs are prolific, with mint providing leaves for my jug of water each morning. I have raspberries and blueberries to gather every day.
My apple tree is laden heavily with apples once again and I am forever hosing the cockatoos from the tree.  My plum is abundant and this weekend, I am going to net it, hoping to at least be able to gather fruit in autumn.
Unless one has had dealings with these white cockatoos, you will never know the destruction they can cause in fruit trees. I don't mind sharing my fruit, but they take one bite and drop the apple on the ground. In one day, they destroyed 8 washing baskets full.  The apples are not ready to pick until February, so it is just total waste.

I wanted to have an altar in my home to honour this time of year. I bought myself a couple of bunches of the red flowering Christmas bush and put it into an old jar & tied a gold ribbon around it.
I will make a fruit salad with Cointreau and I will take Joe and go for a picnic on Midsummer night. Down to Echo Point somewhere I think. to give thanks and blessings for all we have. We will sit and sip red wine under the sunset.

Sitting looking at a reflection, in the glass door, of my front garden, I notice umbels of Queen Anne's lace, waving in the breeze, against a backdrop of the ballerina apple trees and wire fence, it could have been a garden in medieval England or France.
For a moment I was transported back, somewhere. For a moment I was in peace. One of those moments that I wish would last forever.

FROM MY JOURNAL DURING DECEMBER:
Birds playing in the early morning, greeting the day with joy. Cotoneaster blooming to remind me of the summers of my childhood, where I would pick a branch for a Christmas tree in my room. Reminding me of my childhood, a girl of 8 or so, dressed in a thin cotton frock, barefoot, sitting in the branches of the tree, contemplating, even then, my role in the scheme of things.
I saw lots of feathers, reminding me of the words 'feathers on a breath of God'.
I arrived at a place that I am making sacred and stood for a moment with my eyes closed and as I did, a magpie alighted nearby and started to warble. singing to me. When I opened my eyes, a feather had been gifted to me. I said my morning blessings and did some Qigong. Gathering in the energy of the Universe and bringing it down over my body.

I often wonder what my 'life purpose' is. As noted in my journallings this morning, I have been pondering this since I was a child. I agonize over it sometimes but this morning, while I was reading some sacred text - the thought came to me:

What if my soul purpose in this life is right under my nose?
What if it is to weave magic wherever I am? To be in my garden, to tend that and to find peace in my own heart and to walk in nature and to find Gods beauty in all that surrounds me. Maybe that is why I incarnated to a land that feels so foreign to my soul. To find absolute peace and stillness.
In most of my homes, I have weaved magic in the home and garden and only last week someone who knew me at Woodford and loved that home, commented on that fact 'I suppose you are weaving your magic in this home as well?'

Here in Katoomba, in the home that I call Avalon, I have created a garden that the birds are visiting. I look out at my garden from my window, and it shimmers with green energy. I can now see my home and garden is actually a kind of vortex, an oasis of some kind. With the large pines creating some kind of circle around the area, my little mountain cottage seems to be right in the middle of a mandala.

seeing the Sacred in every day life

we have had an horrific two weeks here in the mountains. catastrophic bushfires have destroyed homes and left many of our friends homeless. At one stage we were on alert for our own home town to be evacuated. My mum was evacuated for 4 days from her aged care villa. at times, it seemed surreal. At times, I panicked, much like one of those women in an horror movie, who scream until they are slapped...we had buckets filled with water in case of spot fires and we had our plan but thankfully and blessedly, we were ok. My heart and prayers go to the 100's of people who lost everything. Thankfully no lives were lost.

I see the Sacred in my garden. ... in the plants ~ a mandala

So this weekend spent in my garden has bought my equilibrium back, it has centred and grounded me..
Saturday, I planted cucumbers in old toilet cisterns, weaving string and sticks to make a trellis for the plants to cling to as they grow. I watered the violets, mint and Valerian, tidied my stone circle, all the while in the company of cicadas, hoverflies and God.

Joe and I sat under the plum tree to eat our lunch and I found myself in the place where one goes to when day dreaming.

 

totally absorbed in the hoverflies on the calendula. This was like some kind of meditation, perhaps Lectio of some kind.. a kind of prayer. I remember as a child, sitting, daydreaming, communing with God on a very deep level. From a very young age.

 As I garden, I see that my chicory is coming into flower - I have never seen chicory flowers so I am really looking forward to what comes.

The yarrow that I was gifted from Yias' garden is spreading under the rose and is also beginning to form flowers. I love yarrow.

Sunday, I woke early and took a walk around my garden. The day was very smoky from the bushfires but I noticed a stillness..  a waiting. And as I looked at my wheel of year garden, at the sage, it felt like I had stepped into either the northern hemisphere or a past time. there was no noise of cicadas, the air was cool and moist. and I could feel the energy of my ancestors with me.

The veil is thinning towards Samhain and All Saints and All Souls day. Weird thing is here, it is actually the time of Beltane but I don't feel that at all. I didn't want to come back from where I was at that moment.

I gardened for a few hours, planting beans & pumpkins. I mulched the pots & watered the gardens. Jane, up the road bought me a big bin of pine needles for my blueberries and I spread that around my plants.

the apples are starting to form and I thinned the fruit, to allow the rest to swell and develop.

 Joe and I sat under the plum tree again for lunch. Enjoying a platter of fruit, cheese, beetroot dip and crackers and a cup of tea. Just being, for a time. It is good.

and this afternoon I went to a Taize service.. something that I did in Marazion, Cornwall. It is so good for my soul to go to things like this.. brings me back to myself. To who I am.

and more Sacred designs, this one made by me with shells gathered from a beach.

Moon cycles

I feel the Atlantic calling me

Whispers of yearning.

The Cornish coast calls my soul

Just like I was told it would.

I will return again

To walk the cliffs of Tintagel and the beaches of Perranuthnoe

It is part of my destiny

[me - 2013]

it has been some time since I felt like sharing myself, sharing my journey. I have felt a need to hold myself close to my heart.

the past weeks have been difficult for me. so much has happened over the past months..

Joe had a serious bike accident but thank Heaven, he 'walked' away with only severely sprained ankle. Although apparently he did lose conciousness for a short time and spent a night in hospital being observed for head trauma. That was about 7 weeks ago and since then, it has been a very trying and soul searching time for us both. I refused to even think of him getting another, but it is part of his soul, much like my garden and my spiritual journey is part of mine. So soul searching began, with me asking myself who was I to even think of not 'allowing him' to buy another. So we talked about it and he has bought another one. I have faced a fear and it is like a huge weight was lifted from my soul. I feel good about that

I have been writing my cancer story, which has been good and bad.. it has helped me talk about my treatment but it has also bought a lot of unresolved grief up for me. The bike accident actually sent me over the edge, bringing up a lot of childhood fear and anxiety and I think, pushed me teetering, over the edge. Leading to a kind of breakdown and finally getting a label as to what is 'wrong' with me.. PTSD. and of course worry about my heart health, which is connected to depression. So that is where I am right now.
lots of soul searching going on, the question of who am I? art, play, journaling. being in my garden.

I begin to read about the Spanish Inquisition while creating an altered book - I delve into past life experiences and discover a link from being a witch tortured in France to my cancer in this life, things begin to make sense, to resonate and to feel 'right'.. crazy as it may seem, I do believe I have a lot of past life healing to do in this life. I notice a link in my emotions and the Moon cycle.

FROM MY JOURNAL:
I use to live in the present moment as a little girl. I can remember stroking the petals of a flannel flower, slowly. I can remember when I allowed myself to lie on the grass looking at clouds scuttling overhead or when I spent hours watching ants scurrying about their business.
When did that stop? And why? Was it when I became an adult? Too soon. When life became serious and things had to be done?
I have a deep sadness in me always, it is a longing for an England that no longer exists.
I know melancholia is part of me now and I will find a way to work with it, with ritual and nurturing and eventually finding a spiritual community

I feel as if I have been laid bare, much like a chrysalis bared from the cocoon. I even had my hair cut very short. I sit and wait.

still, sacred moments are essential to my soul
no rush. being in the moment. stillness.

FROM MY JOURNAL - SUNDAY
Driving out in the country, we drive past old Catholic Churches and something tugs at my heart.
I so wish that I could find a way to live the spiritual life without the guilt. My soul needs Catholicism, it needs ritual but it also needs the folk lore of my Celtic past. I need to be able to meld both or all of my spiritual beliefs.. sometimes I think I have found a way, but then I begin to fret and worry about it all.. the guilt comes back. *sigh*.. such is my journey.

I have had friendships fall away and I feel loss but I am told that new friends will come. So I sit, place my hands in my lap and wait, like a woman waiting for a bus.
And while I wait, I will be in silence, in solitude - being with myself

I see myself walking the moors with a dog as a companion by my side / I have long dark hair and wear a green dress

so now it is like I begin again. I have started to meditate again, I light candles every morning - to Bridget, Mary, Therese and Cerridwen. I acknowledge to myself that I am also a mystic.
and I say to myself : be still.

[I wrote this in early September:
this morning I took myself off for a walk - the beginning of getting myself alot fitter to help my heart and also, my body image.
setting off with a scarf wrapped around my neck to ward of the slight chilly wind, I decided to walk two blocks. not far, but a start. I walked along looking into gardens and turned a corner towards the sun. As I walked, the sun shone on my whole being. I noticed blossom and warmth and suddenly my whole being was enveloped in warmth and love. I felt my heart chakra expanding, expanding out into my aura, enveloping me in pink gold. It was such a warm, nurturing feeling and as I continued walking, I breathed it in, not wanting to waste one bit of this warmth and love. I wanted to gain the most from this moment. i was in a deep state of gratitude. I knew that this warmth and love was healing me as I walked. Healing within especially, pulsing through my arteries with every beat of my heart.  I spoke to the Old Ones as I walked, feeling them with me. Feelings that I was not alone on that walk. a good feeling.

 I noticed cotoneaster berries shining in the sun, like highly polished christmas apples. I noticed rhododendrons and all kinds of blossoming cherries and plums. I noticed grape hyacinths and newly laid pea straw. I saw magnolias, regal and elegant. I noticed all manner of pots, filled to overflowing with newly sprouting bulbs and herbs. I saw alyssum in gardens, a reminder to scatter my seeds. In my minds eye, I saw myself scattering seeds in my garden, I saw myself planting shrubs to bring character to my own garden.
 Still in my minds eye as I walked past gardens, neglected and overgrown but still blossoming, I saw elderly people inside their homes, too fragile now to get out and walk or even work in their garden.. all part of a circle of life..

 It was like looking through new eyes at a blossoming world.]

pot marigold ~ herb ally & healer of mine

Yuletide, towards winter solstice

the dutch medlar is fruiting. I taste one.. a taste similar to a tart apple. I think this is more ornamental, although next year when I am organised, I might try stewing them. they are difficult to peel though, so maybe a kind of jelly would be better.

June 11
Winter Magick is coming up soon here in Katoomba. A day of parades, market stalls and celebration. I find myself excited about the approaching Solstice. A time where I will create a wreath for my door and find a log for my Yule Log ritual. Living here in Katoomba, really lends itself to winter with our cold winter days and the Winter Magick Festival. An excitement is building and I wonder if it is a deep connection to my ancestors anticipation of the returning of the Sun...

June 12
It rained today. And in the afternoon the sun came out, bathing my garden in that light of late winter, shining. I noticed the rose hips and seed heads of the Echinacea. The raked leaves on the garden were wet, creating a lovely mulch. A delicious time of  year.. [did I say that before?] A load of wood was delivered today, and I help Joe stack it in readiness for use.

June 13
I am reading that our ancestors followed signs in the garden. [ie first snowdrop blooming for Imbolc..] mine are already blooming! a tad early though.

June 14
It sleeted this morning. Fleetingly. I sat in a little cafe, warm chai in hand, watching the sleet, swirl down.. and the excitement of snow, maybe..
 The snow clouds hung low in the sky.. but no snow. Winter is truly here.

This morning, the council did the tree trimming around the power poles and left mounds of Yule greens for me to gather. I walked up the street, secateurs in hand, feeling as if, once again I was back in time, gathering Yule greens to decorate my home as I did in times and lives past. I am creating memories for myself as I do this.. helping me to bond with this home.. I cannot do it all in a blink of an eye. At Inglewood, it took quite a few seasons to actually feel as if the home and garden were part of me and I know that I must  not rush the process here in Avalon. it will happen as the seasons turn.

There was a thrill going through my soul as I wound and tied the greens into some kind of wreath. Not worrying too much if it was a perfect circle. The leftover greenery was put into a bucket near my front door.

June 16
Last night, I dreamed of a goddess in blue with mists around her, she came in and out of my dreams at least 4 times. sometimes, floating as if she were under water. I looked up goddess in blue and the Celtic goddess Danu came up.
Of water and an early earth mother. Not surprising, as in the 13 Moon course I am working with the element of water... I took this dream as a message from Danu that she wants to be my goddess for water and emotions among other things.

June 17
After a day in my shamanic class yesterday, I woke this morning feeling vulnerable, bare.

Like a tree in winter needing to rest before the journey starts towards spring

As I was cleaning the shower (element of water again), I began to think over my constant search for my life purpose. The workshops, the women's circles, and I honestly jolted into a realization that I am here to enjoy life. Its as simple as that. Not to constantly worry about achieving and doing but to enjoy myself, to play. Whether it be enjoying circles where I just go along or play with herbs as if I am living in times past. I don’t need to do anything to achieve my ‘life purpose’.. a term that is bandied around too much, really. Putting pressure on myself to do something, be something and this is something that is falling away from my being.

Later that afternoon, I gathered my gardening gloves and secateurs, took a basket and went off for a walk to gather some holly and pine cones for this Yuletide season and winter solstice
I put the finishing touches to my Yule doll, tied holly with a red ribbon to hang on my front gate and put a vase of holly at my front door in preparation for winter solstice

June 18
I woke this morning feeling very unburdened. Light even. Since discovering the fact that I can enjoy life without the pressure of using my reiki or other talents for a purpose in life, it is like a heavy weight has been taken off my whole self and I feel joyous. A very good feeling
I went to the nursery today to buy a plant for winter solstice and came home with valerian, tansy, baby spinach, an elder plant and a native shrub that looks exactly like holly. The same leathery prickly leaves. Except this plant attracts birds with gorgeous fuschia like flowers in spring. This I will plant as my sacred holly tree in lieu of the real European holly that is a weed here in the mountains. I also want to buy a couple of daphne for my front garden. the most exquisite perfume. I had alot of daphne at Inglewood and the garden at this time of  year was truly a scented garden, something I hope to achieve here in the garden as well. there is nothing like a posy of daphne in an old cream jar on the table.
I also went to a favourite vintage shop and bought the most exquisite red sari to use as my Yule altar cloth.

so, today, June 19, I begin to decorate my Yule altar and greenery on my mantle piece.. and look forward to Winter Magic Festival on Saturday.. look forward to Winter Solstice and my planned meal of Beef and Guinness.. from Daisy's recipe.

and you know, this journey of mine, may seem intense, it may seem like i am sad sometimes, but I am not. .. I am rediscovering who I am.. that woman within who loves life.. has had some knocks like we all do.. a woman who knows she is blessed, a woman who loves life with a passion, a woman who wants to create, a woman who allows herself to experience every emotion when it visits.. however  difficult it may seem.. but knowing deep within that it is all part of her journey

June arrives & I come to a decision.. baring my soul.

I embroidered some small pieces of linen with words and hung them around my pottery water filter ~ with the intention that the qualities of these words will be infused into the water..following on from Dr. Emoto..

June 4
I spent quite a few hours in my garden today. Weeding, pruning the plum tree and mulching. I noticed that the sage that I planted for Samhain, in my wheel of the year garden is yellowing and has stopped growing. Truly going inward towards Winter Solstice. I also finally bought some alyssum seeds to plant around the sage – Alyssum being an annual for Samhain, according to my Celtic Lore.

June 5
Water is the element for this month in the online course – I can feel the energy of water in my life. June 1, it rained. And I, myself, feel as if I am being washed cleaned.
I have not even looked at the notes for my 13 moon journey for June. I feel myself going inward in a huge shift. Yesterday, I had a headache all over my head. I read somewhere that there are a lot of solar flares happening and this could be causing them. I feel myself, shedding.. like my snake totem animal [must remember to ask for help from snake when I need it].. I am shedding my beliefs and changing or morphing. I know now, that I am not a Christian, but still love some of the ancient traditions of the catholic church and would still defend that. I still feel a very strong connection to the christian mystics and Mary.
I know now, that I don’t need to go to church to be able to have the Marys in my life. I am embracing my witch and pagan self more each day and feel at ease with this.
I have also realized that to bond with my new home, I must slow down. This means for me, actually cancelling my gym membership and spending time walking in the gorgeous bush near my home, sitting journaling in the cave and taking my drum and drumming somewhere surrounded by trees and rocks.
This morning while in the shower [water again], I was thinking about the ever elusive life purpose that so many talk about.. and I came to an understanding that I am to heal myself.. by what I am doing … ritual, journaling, art, garden and workshops for self. I am to learn to love, honour and nurture myself and in doing that, I will heal..and as I heal, I help heal the world. In a big way, vibrationally.

I created an altar in my bathroom for a water ritual each morning

June 6
I bought some beeswax today to anoint my wand. I made this wand a few years ago from the wood of the apple tree in Woodford and as I was anointing this wand, I felt that I must let this go. I must create a new wand, for the new emerging me, the new home in Katoomba and let the old one go.
So this weekend, I plan to create a new wand and bless it with water from chalice well. And a new crystal will be found. I may even use a rock from Cornwall as well.
[I ended up starting the wand today. I went to find a branch to cut on the apple tree and asked permission to take a piece. Cutting the branch into a wand and then trying to sand it proved difficult on green wood, so I found a branch from a pruning of the apple or plum tree from last year. I am not sure which tree but it doesn’t matter as I will create another wand from the piece I cut. I sanded and chiselled and smoothed the bark and then went to my shamanic class

June 7
This morning I had my shower, did my blessings and asked Le Fay [my chosen Water Goddess], and the water spirits to help me release negative past emotions within and to help me heal the grief that I hold within from past conditioning and past lives.. and then I blessed my new wand and anointed it with sacred oils of spikenard and sandalwood, I cleansed it with sage and then I anointed it with beeswax.
Driving down through Leura Cascades, I see early flowering wattle, bare European trees and the lushness of rain forest in winter among the tall mountain ash forest.

I just cannot believe how easily it has been for me to let go of the Christian conditioning from childhood, since I made the commitment a month ago. When I sat and thought about what it was that kept me clinging to the Catholic Church I realized it was just the ritual and ceremony and that is what helped me to drop the last thread and feel comfortable with it.
Dark moon and I am feeling as if I am in the verge of something but have no idea what.

June 9
I woke this morning thinking of the cyclamen that are available in the nurseries and florists at the moment and it took me back to my time in Cornwall, of cyclamens, poinsettia and Yuletide trees side by side for sale for the season of Christmas . I must admit that I do struggle with the seasons here. Even though born and bred in Australia, my deep memories are of the northern hemisphere seasons.
I attended a workshop based around the Greek Goddess Hestia.. of the Hearth.. [Cerridwen could be the Celtic equivalent].. we created a clay hearth Goddess and mine has a Celtic feel about her.. so she will go on an altar for Cerridwen.

June 10
A beautiful new moon morning, woken by bird call. The magpies and twittering of smaller birds and a bird call that I could not place. The cold winter sky is blue with a splattering of clouds. A heavy dew lies upon the earth.
it's time to gather and bring towards you the things/people/ideas you want to encourage in your life. It's also a good time to plant those vegetables that grow above the ground!
I write down a list of things that I wish to gather to manifest for this time.. I light a candle and ask Cerridwen to help me with what I wish to create and manifest in my life now.

In the shower this morning, I was thinking of my path, my journey and I realised that since I had begun to shed my ‘Christian cape’ of past conditionings, I feel much lighter. Even the inner loneliness has lessened and there is relief of striving to be connected to the Divine, to be good enough. I feel stronger in my self. I sprinkle the blessed jasmine water on myself as if it is Hol-ly water. [Soak Holly leaves overnight in spring water under a full moon to make your ''Holly water". sprinkle the water around your home for psychic protection and cleansing]

I had woken with a feeling of dread.. next Friday, I am suppose to have a little ceremony for me to become an Oblate candidate..I feel like a fake – so I emailed the Nuns explaining my feelings.
I think I was attracted to being an Oblate, because of my past lives in Abbeys, the same as why I became a catholic in the first place.. but last week, I realised that what attracts me to the whole thing is the ritual of it all.
After I send the email, mild panic sets in and I feel as if I am bare. a few tears as well. I see myself under a tree, sobbing, on Mother Earth asking her for guidance [because truly, I have no idea what is happening to me with all of this].. it is like leaf, by leaf I am being made bare and it is scary stuff. But I must sit with it. Allow.
I begin to plan the Well that I am going to build in my garden. A Holy Well for Brighid.

birthing my first shamanic drum

over the weekend, I took part in a retreat and creating a frame drum. using a deer skin and a frame made from Silky Oak.

after settling in to our dormitory style rooms, we sat and talked over a bowl of delicious vegetable soup and fresh bread. and then we began the process on Friday night of choosing a hide..

it was a very solemn moment, touching the hide of an animal that once lived.. humbling. The hide seemed to me to be alive in a different way.
The frame made of silky oak also had a vibration to it.. and as I sat there and bonded, I was in awe of what I was about to do.

after cutting out a circle from the skin ,we soaked it in a bucket of warm water, massaging it for awhile and then leaving it to soak overnight, to soften so that we could work with it.

The weather was bitterly cold overnight. lots of doonas and bed socks kept Jack Frost at bay.. early breakfast and then back to our retreat room to continue the process.

massaging the skin some more and then choosing our handle for the drum..

cutting it to size and sanding it down, gluing it into the drum, cutting out a piece of leather for the handle.. a process that took quite some time. I chose green.. I wanted mine to have a Celtic feel to it. Then we had to put the skin onto the frame with a method of sewing and weaving, pulling it tight over the frame.. my drum began to take shape.

after our skin had dried a little, we began to nail along the edge of the frame and then it was left to dry.
Saturday was intense, busy, full of powerful emotions and thoughts as we worked quietly, side by side. 5 women in unison, doing something we and our ancestors had done many times previously. it seemed so natural.
Saturday night, another delicious dinner and sitting chatting to women.. it was bliss and I felt so connected.. through the simple art of making a drum.. well, not so simple.. but yes.. simple.
Sunday was still a full day..
first thing after breakfast, we wrote an intention for our drum.. and shared in circle.. then we started to trim our drums.. and made the drum beater.
once they were finished, we had half an hour of standing in circle, drumming together.. these 4 women plus the teacher and myself.. creating a bond that may never be broken. it was an emotional weekend. but soul satisfying. so soul satisfying.

my blessing and intention for my drum

Silky Oak - Goddess

you stood so tall and majestic, full of strength, wisdom and resilience

I ask that you continue to stand strong with me, infusing me with your wisdom and strength, when I play this Sacred Instrument.

Sacred Stag

I see you among the firs, standing majestically, in complete one-ness with Gaia.

I ask that you infuse me with this majesty and One-ness with Gaia when I play this Sacred drum

Goddess & God of the Drum

May I become one with you, when I play this, my sacred drum.

created by the three of us.

the Holy Trinity of our Sacred Drum

Blessed Be.

a week ending in a retreat of sorts

May 13
I go down to stand in my stone circle and I close my eyes and say my blessing. Asking Cerridwen and Mary Magdalene to be with me this day.
When I open my eyes I realize that when I am in this circle I really am in a different dimension, because while I had my eyes closed it was as if all the outside world had disappeared for a few moments. This thought strengthens me.
There is an emptiness within and I know it is my solar plexus / I sit and try to get in touch with this emotion of loss and sadness and a voice within says to go with it to allow it and to welcome it
My wisdom tells me that this is an exciting time and that I am never alone
Not to rush to fill this emptiness but to sit with it, this is a hard lesson for me..

May 15
I can feel that winter is coming, the wind is icy and when I look at my garden, I can see the plants are slowing down even more. Even though the lavender is still blooming profusely and there are signs of new growth in the calendula self seeding, the overall energy is one of resting.
The wind whips up during the day and grabs a lot of silver birch leaves scattering them high, making the leaves look like a charm of finches. Clouds scud across the sky over the valley
When I go up the street I notice chickweed growing and note to myself that I can use some to make an herbal vinegar, time to harvest it now.
I also make a note that I must find some violet plants to grow so that I can make violet tincture.
Winter seems to have arrived. A perfect day to have our wood fire burning. Sitting in front of it, gazing into the flames could almost be like scrying

May 16
The wind blew all night and this morning I wondered how long I can continue to stand under my apple tree in the morning. It is probably time for me to create a portable stone circle in my Sacred space inside. I will use the stones gathered in Cornwall.

I am beginning to feel Cerridwen as a real guide or friend in my day. Still connecting but it is getting stronger.
It is cold and windy and I must create a protective barrier around my citrus so that the cold doesn't affect them. Somehow, build a plastic barrier to keep this cold wind out and the heat in.. growing citrus here in Katoomba is not as easy as it was in Woodford. But I am determined!
On my way to the station I see clover growing and I stop to pick a flower to press. Remembering to ask and say thankyou
It reminded me of when I was a little girl making daisy chains for my hair. Usually alone amongst the clover faeries. Even a solitary back then.

Shamanic class tonight, we are studying the chakras at the moment and tonight was our sacral chakra.. in my journey, I was told to eat oranges and to buy myself a piece of orange calcite as my sacral chakra stone and also to use sweet orange oil in a massage blend or oil burner. I am loving how my guides are so specific. My power animal is snake.. but last night a bat flew into my  journey, ahead of me preparing the way..

May 17
it is cold. going down in the morning to say my prayers, it was icy and the wind was gale force. I think this is the last time that I will venture outside this early in the morning. As much as I love standing in my circle.. I do have to be sensible.
I have a lovely nurturing, grounding beef casserole cooking.. root vegetables good for the base chakra.. I am off to a frame drum making workshop/retreat tonight for the weekend and I am taking this delicious casserole as my offering...
after lunch, we go to the hardware store and buy the plastic for the orange tree

hopefully this will work and create some kind of hot home for our juvenile orange tree.

I am really looking forward to the workshop as I want to drum to send  healing.. yesterday as I was walking, I understood in my heart, that my mission [or one of them] is to help the vibration of Katoomba. There is something very odd here at the moment.. and unloved energy.. and I know I can help.

the orange tree was planted last year - this year it has 3 oranges on it. I really hope they ripen in their microclimate. nothing like oranges freshly picked off the tree.

coming of the New Moon

May 8
I can feel the Dark Moon today, really feel it. So I decide to do a ritual of release.. I drive to Katoomba Falls to find some eucalyptus leaves. I want to write all those things on these leaves, that no longer serve my highest good. I light some incense and close my eyes. I can hear a distant jet, laughter from tourists on the Scenic Skyway. Birds twittering, then the raucous call of the wattle bird. I can hear water, cascading down over the falls and at times, the wind in the trees. This is my world. It is beautiful.
I sit and meditate for a short time, breathing in peace and breathing out love. I walk to sunnier spot and gather some leaves and then sit in the sun, writing on each leaf..

when I have finished, I sit and enjoy the sun while eating a mandarin. Orange fruit to heal the Sacral chakra.
I begin my walk back to the car, noticing that some of the huge eucalypts are shedding their bark in long strands.

I think this bark would be brilliant to try and make a basket of some kind. I really would love to meet some women who would like to share crafts like this. basket weaving and wand making.

When I get home, I gather bits to take into my stone circle to do the ritual. And I step within the circle and call in the elements.. water [healing, cleansing water. Fire [nurturing, warming, burning of dross]. Earth [holding, supporting, grounding]. Air [breath of fresh air, blowing away cobwebs].. I then called in Spirit.
Sitting in the middle, I light a candle, then some charcoal and put a few leaves in to help it burn.. adding frankincense.. I took my gathered eucalypt leaves and one by one, I read the words and placed them in the fire... the smoke from the frankincense wafted over me and I placed my wand in the smoke.. asking it to be blessed.. I gathered some of the wafting smoke and pulled it into my sacral area.. asking for it to be filled with healing fire. I then read words of releasement and blessing.
I ask that the warmth and nurturing energy of fire,
fill this cleansed space within me. Fill with the virtues of love, joy and kindness.
I ask that Fire bless my path and light my way.
I ask that Fire help me to remember that I am worthy.
I ask that this is so
In all directions, past, present and future
And so it is
I thank the Universe and all beings of light
For the gift of Fire
Within and without
Blessed Be

I sat for a few more moments then stood to close my circle. Thanking each element and asking it to continue to support me as I journey along this path.
I took the candle inside and placed it on my altar with my wand to continue this ritual for the month of May.

May 9
I woke this morning feeling drained after a night seemingly spent calling and searching for Cerridwen in my dreams.
I walked down to say my blessings. And stood on the damp grass in my circle as I closed my eyes and spoke the words one of my hens started to cackle loudly. I opened my eyes to see if there was a snake or dog near but no. Then I remembered that I had asked Cerridwen for a sign that she was near.. And hens are one of her animals so I am sure this was confirmation that she is with me and is happy to take me under her guidance.. the hen continued to carry on for quite some time.

I feel like my whole inner belief system is crumbling down around me and I don't know what I am but I realize that I have too many labels stuck on myself. Witch, catholic etc
And the struggle with this is enormous. So I am trying to let go of all labels and just accepting that I am a spiritual being.
Last night I cast a small circle in my sacred space, using the stones that I bought back from Cornwall, and asked Cerridwen to come to me and I guess she has.., by shaking up my belief 'system' making me question what it is I truly believe to be true for myself. And I must admit Christianity is not what I desire.
The tradition and ritual of the church is something I absolute adore and the saints but modern Christianity is not me. Nor is the radical goddess movement, which is exactly like the church except they are all women. Hierarchy in both. Something I rebel against deep within
I am a gentle soul who needs ritual and connection to nature and earth, moon and yes stars. I want to talk to the plants like I did when I was a child. I wish to rediscover that magick that I had all those years ago.
However, I need contemplation as well. And I love the whole aspect of being a monk in the world.
So many times during my days, it is like I live in an altered world. I see myself in a garden harvesting herbs and tending plants. I know that I am what was once known as a village wise woman and I really wish that I could find a way in this life to do that. I am thinking of studying herbalism next year.
And I know that I must follow my heart in all of this, so that I will be satisfied and content with who I am. It may seem a constant struggle.. I guess it is in a way.. but this is how I am.. I search, come to a place of settling, then after awhile I begin to search again, all the time learning.

May 10
A beautiful day dawned and I was up early. As I went outside I could feel the calm of the new moon
Not a stir. No raucous white cockatoos. Just one lone black cockatoo flew overhead
As I stood under the apple tree, with arms open, leaves gently fell around me, landing gently at my feet. This day has a blessedness about it. Like the moon is saying that the dark time has gone now, the light will begin to shine once again.
A heavy dew and I love how water droplets hang on bare branches, looking like small crystals as the sun shines through. such magick!

I went to Katoomba Falls today for the eclipse and to dedicate myself to my hedgewitch path.
I stood for a time, looking out over the valley and then I anointed myself with sacred oils.. saying that I committed my whole self to this path of being a hedgewitch.. the path of my ancestors. I asked that Cerridwen be with me over the coming year, to guide me as I walk my path. it was just a simple thing to do, but meant alot to me.
I sat on the rock and pulled earth energy into my base chakra. I closed my eyes and breathed in.
At the moment of eclipse it was like the sun burst into brilliance, really shining brightly and at that moment the wind came up and I could hear the water falls. I was at one with each element, all at the same time. Blessed be
A Cockatoo flew over to herald the eclipse. What a magickal moment on my journey.

later that morning, I joined the Interfaith Group, to take a walk in what is known as The Gully. A sacred place to the Aboriginal people here in the mountains. A beautiful peaceful place where once they lived in community with the white people. as one. as it should and must be. The place has a sad story though.. it was taken by the council in the 1950's and made into a race track for the elite.. and the people were pushed from their place. Now it is dedicated to all who lived there and is being replanted as it once was. I have found a place to go and be when I need. I felt welcomed to this land.
after our walk, we went to visit a Koori elder - Aunty Lyn.. who had lived there as a child.. she told us of her life and times there. a beautiful woman who actually reminded me a little of my grandmother. This is where my family search will take me next. To my great. great grandmother Katherine Flannery from Redfern.
and so  my day ended.. the New Moon has come and all is well in my world.

May 11
early morning and I sat watching the currawongs..I noticed one had a red berry in its beak and the thought occurred to me that it could be a raspberry, so I quickly went outside and netted my raspberry canes. this is the first time I have grown them and there are only a few berries on the plant. I don't wish to share.

In the afternoon, I went to a Sacred Anointing night with friends.. such a beautiful night, washing feet and anointing with sacred oils. This is something I am going to do here in Katoomba... eventually

May 12
Mothers Day. A day where I chose to dedicate myself to Cerridwen.. but as it turned out, I ended up doing a dedication to Mary Magdalene in the morning, anointing myself with spikenard and then later in the day.. I went down into my stone circle and asked Cerridwen to be my mentor and guide as I walk my path.
I feel as if I am still going into the depths of Samhain. The leaves continue to fall around me each morning under the apple tree, it won’t be long until the branches are bare and I can feel the earth going inwards. The energy though, is alot lighter, joyous even since the dark moon has passed.
At times I feel a sense of urgency with my journey but a voice within tells me to take a breath and allow my path to unfold. I have so much I wish to share with others but a thread of trepidation holds me back., I must trust the process and allow it to just happen as it will

We drove to Sophie’s place for brunch. On the way, I stopped off and bought myself a pendant of fire agate, a stone for Cerridwen. then continued on to brunch.
A delicious meal – created by my youngest daughter. Table set beautifully and with much thought.

we had chia porridge with fresh fruit and yoghurt, spelt pancakes with banana icecream, egg and bacon panini and then a delicious raw food cacao tart. a special day. with gratitude.

the beginning of May ~ reflections of the Dark Moon

this month in the online study workshop, we are focusing on the element of fire..

May 2
It is quite cool outside so I really hope that this is a beginning of winter

Last night I went to a brilliant Samhain ritual and walked a labyrinth at the college where I study Shamanic healing. I woke feeling flat and empty and I don't know why but there was alot of energy moved so maybe it is all just readjusting. In the meditation last night, Hekate met me at the crossroads and gave me a lantern.. as I was stepping over a threshold, a wolf came to my side to accompany me on my journey.
I am healing so much ancestral stuff that is why I feel overwhelmed at times. I need to sit and talk to them. They are so grateful for what I am doing to heal the ancestral line, I carry their tears of persecution and I must release and what a perfect time to release the past.. Samhain & Dark Moon

May 3
I decide to change back to my preferred oils of sandalwood and spikenard for anointing. I love spikenard. I use this on my brow charka and my throat and I put sandalwood on the back of my neck. These oils suit my soul much more than the lavender as they hark back to many past lives.
I go to my Benedictine group and as I sit in the garden for our reflective time, the wind whips up and the remaining leaves on the trees, rattle, sounding very similar to the sound of a shamanic rattle.
Later that night, as we head towards the true moment of Samhain, I feel empty, melancholy, lonely even. The wind whips around outside as I sit and journal. This season is certainly bringing up alot of things to be healed and let go of. I ponder of letting go of sadness and melancholy [not sure how to do that though, as it is part of my very soul].. but I realize these emotions are actually part of the healing process and it is ok to feel them, actually it is very important to allow myself to feel them.

May 4
Cool windy morning and as I walked towards my apple tree I saw a carpet of leaves where I stand each morning to say my blessings and prayers.
Although I honoured Samhain on the traditional date, my observances of this cross quarter/sabbat continues and tomorrow is the true moment ( this Year). I see that the weather is indeed leaning more towards Samhain, cool, fresh and windy with leaves falling. I like it.
Joe and I went to springwood cemetery to put some pebbles on his mums’ grave and I spent some time gathering kindling for our fire. This is something I use to do often in past years and I think I will take up that task again, wandering, gathering sticks in perfect peace, and contemplating. It became a meditative walk.
We also went to Springwood hospital fete where I bought some chicory, aloe Vera and Agave plants.

today, I started my sacred circle. I chose a space under the apple tree because this is where I go every morning to greet the day, say my blessings and ask for guidance. It is near to my chooks and hidden from my neighbour Billie.. as nice as she is, I don’t want her peering at me when I create ritual or say my prayers.

We went to our local landscape place and bought the 4 large stones for the element directions and I walked the circle out and used my pendulum to decided which rock went where.

I am one who needs to ‘feel’ where the elements are placed and although my directions aren’t the same as most, this is what I do:

North - summer – fire – summer solstice
Lammas
West - earth – autumn – autumn equinox - Mabon
Samhain
South - winter – wind – winter solstice
Imbolc
East - water – spring – spring equinox – Ostara
Beltane

North of where I live, is the heat.. and from the South come our southerly winds, East is of course the Pacific Ocean and in the West we have this wide brown land, stretching what seems forever.
I am still in the process at the moment of working out what I will use to represent each element.

I have been lighting a candle each night and leaving it to burn in my bedroom, the flickering at first was disturbing, but now I am finding it quite comforting. I visualize all that is not needed being burned away overnight.

May 5
at the beginning of this month, I had a panic attack because I wasn't sure how I could embrace the months assignment [from my online course], as much as I had in April but once I started to create my stone circle and find things to decorate, I felt my passion and peace return.

I had some shells that I had gathered at the beach over the years and I created a wreath to represent the element of water & I also hung an old china cup in the tree

and peace flags for air.. and various other bits..

Plus I am re connecting with my wand that I made many years ago from the ancient apple tree at Inglewood. It is a piece of my life that will always be close to my heart.
Before lunch, we drove to the landscape place again and bought the rest of the stones for my circle.

 Joe and I sat out in the sun eating our lunch.
Just a simple cheese sandwich and a piece of fruit with a cup of tea to finish off. As we ate, a cacophony of cockatoos flew over screeching loudly..

We then decided to move the birdbath before we walked to the shops to buy some sweet potato for our Samhain dinner. We went for a long walk on the way to the shops, up hills and down lane ways.. a long detour, to look at our neighbouring streets and to see what others gardens were like. It is a beautiful time of year here in Katoomba.. and I can really feel the energy slowing down.. resting.. the gardens are gorgeous too.. with lots of seed heads left over from summer, to self seed next spring. Delightful!
I cooked a slow roast lamb for dinner and I really wanted to share it with others so I called some friends and I took the roast plus sweet potato dish, to their home. They cooked roast vegies and we had a meal together. Laughing and chatting about our aging selves.. planning trips to France and England.. hopefully, oneday those plans will come to fruition

May 6
I woke during the night feeling empty, lonely and lost and I wonder if it is the energy of the fire burning away what is no longer needed, leaving a void as it does for a short time. The Dark Moon always has an effect on me.. and I am also writing alot about my cancer 13 years ago.. it is carthartic and I hope to publish the story oneday.

May 7
Early morning mist and drizzle. I stand in my newly created stone circle, under the apple tree an I open my arms and greet the day. I stand for a moment or two, eyes closed and observe. Drops of water drip gently off the leaves and I feel a stillness. A quiet and I feel the Moon coming towards her darkness, slowing down. My whole self feels still and calm. I love this moment. I walk inside and 3 crows fly overhead.. maybe to remind me that I have help when I need it.
We go for a walk after dinner and I notice a strong, quiet resting presence. This Dark Moon must be a very strong one.. no human noise, nothing. Just quiet. I am planning on working with the Moon.. letting go...

Samhain for me.

There are two dates to celebrate Samhain.. the traditional one which is April 30 or the actual moment which is different every year and is worked out by the sun's path, I think..
.. I tend to go for the traditional one as tradition resonates with me.. my life is steeped in tradition, whether it is this hedgewitch path or my catholic one.. I love the tradition of both and I do believe that all of this harks back to past lives.

I wake to a cloudy day, wondering if it would rain. My plan today is to visit Laura and Williams graves in Rookwood, an old cemetery near Sydney. I plan on taking the last apple off my tree and sharing it with them.

Before I leave I set my Samhain altar, sweep my front step and wash it down with a mix of salt cinnamon and lemon oil., I then set the candles that will be lit tonight.
I chose a crystal for this season, my plan is to choose a crystal each Sabbat and in a year I will have a collection, my own portable wheel of the year. I chose jet for Samhain, I took it and cleansed it and then programmed it with intention of helping me to let go of that which no longer serves my highest good.

I gather a bunch of flowers.. and the last apple from my tree & a stone I found on Perranuthnoe beach in Cornwall.

Arriving at Rookwood, I stood in awe of the magick of the old part of the cemetery. We drove down to the Naval section

 and there were all the graves, set out in rows, in a perfect lawn.
 I see crows over in a corner, under the shade of a beautiful conifer.

 They were sitting on top of a headstone, calling.. and of course, I feel drawn to wander over to take photos and look at the grave that the crow was sitting on and was taken aback that it was Williams'.
The crows had led me to the grave of my great grandfather!..I didn’t have to search. I placed a small posy of flowers and stood, thinking for awhile and then off to find Laura, who apparently is near William somewhere, not in the naval section but close by. She couldn't be buried in with him, so when he died, she bought the closest plot near to him, that she could.

I find her almost immediately and I stand and look at her grave..there is an urn for flowers, so I place my small, humble bunch

 – in memory of the woman who made the trek to Australia. And stayed here after her husband died. With her children. The youngest being my Pa who was about 7.

Joe left me be, to wander ..

 and I sat on the side of the grave, cutting the apple in two and sharing it with her.. as I ate my apple, I told her of my hopes and dreams, of my trip to Cornwall and of my own struggles within.. of my shadows and fears.. and I felt her comfort me and I felt that she will be with me everyday, guiding me.. and I asked her to be with me to make sure. It was emotional to be there, I felt tears springing to my eyes.. they fell silently down my cheeks.. to be here with the woman I had researched and traced in Cornwall. My great grandmother. But so peaceful and I felt such a connection to this woman who I had never met. [to tell the truth, sitting beside that grave, I felt at home.. as if I truly belonged there, it was like her arms were wrapping around me, comforting me.]

I read a blessing to her..

and then I walked back to Williams grave & read to him as well.. asking him to give me his strength and courage to take my through the rest of my life.. I asked them both to help me with my own Cornish inner wisdom. And I thanked them again..

I left a stone from Tintagel on Laura's grave and as I placed it I thought that where as my backyard is the beautiful blue mts, Laura's as a child was places such as Tintagel, Perranuthanoe and lands End. Did she scamper up the rocks from Merlins Cave, did she wander the moors? Cornwall is just not a place of far away memories, it is a place where this woman, my great grand mother lived, walked and played

I took a short video of my wanderings in Rookwood... I hope you enjoy these reflections

[click here to watch] A day in Rookwood

The Morrigan - the doll I created to honour this Goddess that has taken me under Her wing for those times I need the battle warrior.