a catch up of my past month

I have been struggling this past month.. but in a good, healing way. despite deep heart pain, I know that all that is happening is a healing journey for me. so I embrace it.. dreams wake me.. in a sweat from flashbacks to cancer..all this is coming up now to be healed.. many of us, at the moment, are going through huge cleansing and healing.
I wonder why I am bitter and angry.. I journal this, but still reasons allude me.

I look at a photo taken about 20 years ago of Sophie and myself. I look so young, so happy. I question myself.. was i always angry, bitter and sad? no.. looking again at the photo, I see joy in my eyes, shining out, in love with life.. what happened? .. and then, with a jolt, i realise that this bitterness and anger that engulfs me at times, is definitely connected with the cancer treatment. a trauma that i have not grieved. the damage that was done to my body - a trauma that I have not accepted..

that is it.. it's all about acceptance of what was or is. I cannot fix it, I cannot take it away, nor would I want to, as I truly believe past experiences have made me who I am today.. so I have to learn acceptance. I have been reading Women Who run with the Wolves.. in particular 'Battle Scars' & Marking Territory'.. and so much that is said there, resonates within. so much.

"dwelling on trauma and doing so intensely for a period of time is very important to healing. but eventually all injury has to be given sutures and be allowed to heal over into scar tissue"
[I think i will create another spirit doll for this]

i struggle with who I am.. I grieve the loss of my kitchen table that I sold when I moved.. a place where birthdays were celebrated and memories made.. I look at my new [old] kitchen table.. a table for two.. and I realise that back at Inglewood, I was in the Mother phase of my life.. now, I am not yet a crone but a Priestess, a Gypsy or a Sorceress. depending on which book you read. I now have to step into that energy. that power. I have to learn to embrace who I am, where I am.
I have discovered that I have put on about 5 kilos.. and not happy with that at all. that is menopause. so I join a gym. I see myself in photos and cringe.. still not accepting of my menopausal body. even though Joe tells me I am beautiful. i don't feel it.. this is all about self love and worth. I am taking flower essences to help me through this.

the past month I have been walking alot

Joe and I took a walk to Minnehaha Falls. a women's healing sacred place. known and used by Indigenous women & now embraced by all women, to come to bath, sit, meditate, do ritual and heal. I found the remains of an ancient Marian shrine amidst the beautiful natural fern grottos.

this is the healing pool at the bottom of the falls.. I will return here oneday soon and do ritual to heal my past trauma [I have done one previously.. but there is more coming up to heal]

this is a rock formation at the bottom of the falls. it struck me that it looked similar to a womb.. so I embraced it with my hands. the energy at this sacred place is amazing.

and I have been painting. and creating spirit dolls.

I worked on this painting for a few days.. the white figure is MIWI - my Spirit that has been with me since time began [I saw this at Uluru a few years ago while meditating] - this piece of art evolved.. on the left side of the tree is my past life.. and me sitting under the tree, gazing to the future

three times in the past month.. at New Moon, Winter Solstice and Full Moon, I have drawn the RAVEN card.. so I went to my tree friend and sat in her lap.. and drew what i felt.

winter solstice RAVEN

I have also joined a circle of women for a Seven Month Journey with Greek Goddesses.. the first was Hestia - loving this!!

my Hestia Hearth - O'yarrang [indigenous plant used for smudging]. a piece of Australian Mookaite. a piece of vintage china that I found at Minnehaha Falls. and of course the clay Goddess that I created in the circle last month.

in my garden shed, I discovered a bucket of ash that I had kept from Inglewood's fire.. to be used on my garden..

so I did a Full Moon ritual of sprinkling the ashes.. some on my garden [don't you just love my stylish flannelette shirt.. bought from the men's section at Vinnies.. for $2.. they keep me so warm in the chilly winter day here in Katoomba!]

and the rest were sprinkled around the yard.. so now I have a little of the magick from Inglewood here at Avalon. I have bought some lavender to plant in the front garden near the Ballerina apple trees..and I have planted roses.. in readiness for the bees in springtime..
it is less than four months until we leave for our trip to England. all plans are going well.. a wonderful itinerary seeing as much as we can and spending one whole month in Cornwall, ending with a week on Bodmin Moor in a cottage to celebrate my 55th birthday!

note to wise woman self: do not forget to make an appointment to see the Oncologist.. it is checkup time again!