where to from here?

the pilgrimage to England, turned out to be bigger than I anticipated. It affected me mentally, emotionally, physically and of course spiritually and the past weeks, since returning home,  has seen me going through a gamut of emotions and experiences...

where do I begin? [in my writings following, I repeat myself sometimes.. these writings were taken from my journal]
begin with the women's circles I think.
I have wanted a women's circle for many years.. and this year seemed to be the year that the Universe answered my prayers.. I found at least 3 that I could attend, nearby. not one turned out to be what I wanted. I have found a lovely circle however, once a month near Sydney. for that I am grateful

I crave community.. and I had been involved in the 'Goddess movement groups' for a few years.. and while they are all full of 'love and light'.. there is no real community, many of them are trying to push their own cause for money or there are alot of egos. I probably sound judgemental, but no, it is more of an observation. Many don't like the patriarchal era and blame either men or God and some refuse to say the word God.. once their circles are finished for the month or week, that's it, no connection til the next meeting.

I found very big egos in the circles.. one even went as far as saying that I could not honour Mary when it was my turn to hold circle.. I had to deny the woman who has been with me for so many years... I wrestled with this.. thinking I could call her other names.. Isis, Kwan Yin or Divine Mother.. but part of me knew that to deny Mary was to deny my self, my own spiritual self.. so I left. and not on good terms. It took me more than a week to clear the negative energies of that episode. it left me drained and raw. I was fortunate enough to have a very good friend who helped me through this.
it seems that i must be careful in what i ask for.. I asked for womens circles, the Universe gave them to me.. and now I realize that maybe I don't need them now.

I began to struggle with who I was. What I was supposed to be doing in this lifetime now [hearing constantly in the new age movement that we all have a purpose, I began to wonder what mine was..],
my children had left home and more importantly, pretty much left the state.. it is a difficult thing, this empty nest. one minute I am a full time mum, the next.. they have flown the coop.

so I began to look for workshops to attend & discovered a shamanic healing course in Sydney.. once a week.. for a year.. with time off during terms... the timetable worked for me. So I enrolled and became a part time student of Shamanism. I travel once a week down to Sydney.. catching two trains. taking my little trolley full of rocks for the medicine wheel and sometimes my drum.. I feel like a grownup catching the train. Sometimes, I meditate while travelling, other times I just look out the window at the passing scenery.
The Shamanic journey is a powerful one.. This term we are studying the medicine wheel and power animals.. and at the moment, my power/totem animal is snake.. a very powerful one to have.. all about transformation and yes, I can see this in my own journey right now. So much is coming up to be healed and released.. a miscarriage many years ago that I did not grieve or acknowledge.. forgiving others for what i perceive to be hurts that they have done to me.. accepting and embracing my cancer and treatment.. so much to be healed.. All for the goodness of my soul, so that I may be a kinder person.. to myself and others..... I am shedding alot.. friends who I thought were friends, are slowly slipping away.. sad, but that is life and I know that I am on a very exciting path at the moment.

My health started to challenge me.. I had put a little weight on when in England.. all those scones!!.. and I felt heavy and tired.. so I started at a gym and went on a healthy eating plan.. which I must say is challenging me..it is difficult to lose weight as you age.. I don't really like that I am aging.. I struggle with this. It is a lesson for me.. to love and accept my wrinkles and changing body. I am also struggling with tiredness and only realized a few days ago, that I am trying to race around like I did when I was younger, and I can't. I need to slow down, really slow down.. take moments to rest and reflect.. it will do me the world of good, just have to remember to do it.

I decided to continue my Oblate journey with the Benedictine Good Samaritan Nuns and had to find two referees who would vouch that I was suitable and once they were contacted, I had to write a letter to Sr. Clare, the Abbess in Sydney. I received my letter of acceptance just this week and am now an Oblate candidate.. my little ritual of joining is in May. This is a year long journey, living according to the Benedictine Rule and once the year is up, I will then be an Oblate... I go to a group once a month, with a circle of women.. and funnily, this is what I have wanted for a long time as I mentioned.. these women are not into egos at all, the Nuns nurture us and guide us and it is a true sharing experience.
 I also have a spiritual mentor who is a  nun.. Sr. Monica and we meet monthly, after our Oblate meeting.. she is delightful and a real earth mother like me..  she understands me and my celtic ancestry. And my love of following and honouring the wheel of the year.

doing this has opened quite a few doors for me.. one being that I joined a Lenten journey online with Abbey of the Arts - a mandala a day with Hildegard of Bingen [The Greening power of God]... I am creating beautiful mandalas around the topic and I can see a theme.. there are tears and there are hearts[love].. and I feel this so much in my whole self.. tears and love.. a circle.  I am beginning to understand that my 'purpose' in life, is to be here, in this moment, savouring every single thing that comes into my life - the good and the not so good.. and that I must pray... having a family and home is part of my purpose too.. I resonate strongly with Hestia, the hearth Goddess.

Abbey of the Arts...where I discovered that I could join up and be a Monk in the World, signed the Monk Manifesto.. and so here, I am... this has all bought me to a deepening faith, but also an acceptance of who I am.. the path of catholic witch.. and allowing myself to use the word God and not feel as if i need to whisper or hide it.. not being embarrassed or ashamed of what I believe.. because believe me, my faith brings me so much joy and fills me with a feeling of being accepted...  loving the divine mother god. or Mother Father God or whatever i wish to call it. And it is time to embrace my Catholicism and not hide it. so be it if people don't like the way I am. This is me, it brings me joy. I admit that I don't like alot of the man made rules of the church, but take that away and there is a deep spiritual connection for me...and once I discovered the real 'Our Father' in Aramaic.. i was sold!

Lords Prayer

Translation by Neil Douglas-Klotz in Prayers of the Cosmos

O Birther! Father- Mother of the Cosmos

Focus your light within us - make it useful.

Create your reign of unity now-

through our fiery hearts and willing hands

Help us love beyond our ideals

and sprout acts of compassion for all creatures.

Animate the earth within us: we then

feel the Wisdom underneath supporting all.

Untangle the knots within

so that we can mend our hearts' simple ties to each other.

Don't let surface things delude us,

But free us from what holds us back from our true purpose.

Out of you, the astonishing fire,

Returning light and sound to the cosmos.

Amen.
[this is another slant on the prayer.. the one in Aramaic is much longer, but so beautiful, I am going to print it out and hang it on my wall]

there is such a deep, deep connection for me to the true Christianity and that is what I felt in England in parts.. when I walked into the churches over there, I could literally feel the prayers that had been said over the hundreds of years.. they dripped love and hope. They enveloped me in a sacredness that I had not felt in a long time. I am trying not to get caught up in things that must remain a mystery.. like the meaning of life for instance.. can drive me nuts.. i just have to trust. I tend to stray away from Catholicism, on and off.. but am always drawn back.. and I must follow this, because in my heart of hearts, I know that this is where I find peace. I understand it is not for everybody and I understand that many won't understand me doing this.

I have also booked into a retreat at Easter time.. studying plant medicine and then in May, I am enrolled in a workshop to make my own shamanic drum.. and a few silent retreats later in the year

[the nasturtiums are self seeded from compost that I bought from Woodford.. yet another circle]

I have been working  in the garden.. harvesting some herbs and strewing them in chook pen, gathering tomatoes, and pruning roses and then water- spraying the aphids that are in plague proportions here at the moment. I have been moving vegetable beds and planting holy basil through out my garden. One of my chooks died today, I think it was in shock. a local dog was in our yard running around and trying to get into the chook pen.. terrorising the chooks.. they have taken to the nest and won't venture out.. I am giving them Bach flower rescue remedy and hopefully they will settle down. I don't own a dog and I really wish people who do own them, would actually keep them on leash or in their yards. my chickens are my friends,  my girls and I hate to see them like this.

Joe built  me a gorgeous arbour where I am planting a clematis with my uncle Brians ashes. He painted it a beautiful sea green and it leads to one of my Marian shrines.. a place of reflection.

 just this week, Joe painted the dining room/kitchen, which is really one big room overlooking our backyard and the ancient pine and eucalypts over the creek.. we chose a light olive green and I am finding this is more settling to my soul than the bright yellow that was here when we moved in.. after he finished painting, I decided to spring clean [in autumn.. but hey, thats the way we roll here in Katoomba!].. and I washed all the pantry shelves out with lemon grass in water.. and then picked a new bunch of bay leaves to hang in the pantry..

oh yes, and I have started to create my Spirit Medicine Dolls for sale.

the first one is Bee Goddess..

the currawongs are beautiful at this time of year. their call touching something very deep within my soul..  I  remember them in the persimmon tree at Woodford. It is all linked.. and connected

so now, as we turn into autumn here at Avalon, I share my journey as a Monk in the World.. a spiritual journey in my garden.. and beyond.

and how perfect that a new Pope has been elected today..

a Jesuit who has a strong devotion to Mother Mary..