The bush near my home is beginning to take an autumnal glow each afternoon. The kind of light that only autumn is known for. Gone is the garish brilliant light of summer and the cold light of winter is yet to come. this autumn light, is soft, golden, nurturing. I wonder if my ancestors in Cornwall, felt this way in autumn, because the love comes from somewhere in times past.. I see myself as a woman in a field, long skirt, hair tied back, harvesting grain of some kind.
The nights are getting chilly at times and heavy dews are common. Night skies hold the stars in that crisp way that Samhain skies do. I love this time of year, the chill and mist touch my soul in a very deep way.
April 9
It is the dark moon and I have been struggling with this one. Depressed, sad tears and tiredness all to do with the mother wound. Of being a mother and a daughter, both aspects of the mother. Add to that the ancestral feminine line, that still needs healing to be done and I feel I really need a break
Somewhere on the beach in the sun. Just two days would be enough
April 10
the Moon is still in her darkness and today, I feel as if I am one with her... Joe is away for a few days on the bike.. and once he left, I could feel the panic of abandonment welling up inside.. .. coming up to be healed at this time of the Moon. This emotion is for me, connected to Samhain [I am not sure why right now, but I know it will come to me].. and I feel as if the ancestors are gathering around me in support and encouragement. I also feel that Hecate is around me.. in my meditation, I heard myself calling her softly.. as if I were looking for her on a dark path somewhere in time.
healing the unfinished business of those who've come before us.
This is the Pain Body of the ancestors... a vibrational field of suffering and stagnation that can harm not only you but the whole planet.
[Wicca Spirituality]
It is afternoon. New Moon time is tonight, about 7.30.. and right at this moment, mid afternoon, it is like the earth is in a moment of pause. Very still. Resting. I can feel this deeply.This is the Pain Body of the ancestors... a vibrational field of suffering and stagnation that can harm not only you but the whole planet.
[Wicca Spirituality]
Words spill from my fingers.. voicing the grief within. [grief from I don't know where]
Grief. Grief from times past
Lives past, maybe.
Wells up inside, so painful..
Until I can feel it in my throat,
Like a burning sphere
It rises up and spills from my soul
As tears.. flowing like a dammed up river
Held back by fallen trees of life, like a beaver dam
Until oneday, nothing will hold back the flood
And it spills over and over
Until empty.
Lives past, maybe.
Wells up inside, so painful..
Until I can feel it in my throat,
Like a burning sphere
It rises up and spills from my soul
As tears.. flowing like a dammed up river
Held back by fallen trees of life, like a beaver dam
Until oneday, nothing will hold back the flood
And it spills over and over
Until empty.
April 12
A beautiful autumn day.. and my Benedictine Oblate group. Sitting chatting with Sr. Monica, my mentor she asked me what calls to me, what brings me peace and I spoke of my garden. She said it sounded like I am being called to a life of contemplation in the garden.. and I chatted about following the wheel of the year and she said that is a perfect way to be a contemplative in the garden through the year. Many monks work in the garden while contemplating and chanting. This kind of thing brings me peace. She said to lose myself in the 'Isness' of God... she loaned me a book by Meister Eckhart..
I would love to hold women’s workshops in my garden.. where we sit and contemplate, talk and do some art journaling.. maybe lunch created from produce from my own garden.
I started to design my wheel of the Year garden. Just a small round garden which will have a plant for each turn.. similar to the one around my Marian shrine except this garden is round and is situated in my sacred space. Where I will eventually build up energy and magick. Samhain coming up and I have already bought a sage plant – when I am working in my garden lately, it feels as if I am back in medieval times. I can feel ancestors from that time, drawing near as I garden, whispering to me… encouraging me. I planted mint, bog sage and wormwood tree. As well as kale and celery.
April 13
I actually went for a workshop today.. won't go into details.. but I came home with a roaring headache, questioning once again my own deep belief in God... questioning over and over..
Journal: Cosmology does my head in..really, does all of this really matter for me? Who or what you call the creator of the Universe.. does it matter if the name is God or Goddess.. all I want in life is to be a vessel of peace, a chalice of love.. a contemplative mystic.. I don't want to know or understand where we came from.. it has given me a headache all of this unnecessary knowledge.. ..
I once asked about the meaning of life.. and in that workshop, boy did I get that explanation!! be very careful what you wish for..
April 14
so needless to say, I woke with a migraine and did not go today back to the workshop. Instead I took myself to Mass in Springwood..where I saw friends from that community.. who really do care and love me.. I sat in the church, surrounded by sacredness, incense and in the company of Saints.. and I felt my heart swell.. I cried when I went to communion, I felt loved.. this is where I find belonging. Every one here is ok with the word God and I never have to justify or hide my beliefs.
so yes, I must accept that I am bith a Catholic.. and a witch, . and I must not hide any of that in fear of not being accepted by those who ridicule the Church or who are fearful of 'black magic'.. and believe me, there are many of them on both sides.. and now, I know it is their own fears that they project on to me.
this afternoon, I watered the newly planted plants, raked fallen autumn leaves and noticed that there are raspberries on my raspberry canes. I hope to get to taste them before the birds do.
effort to improve on nature, we are guided by a vision of
paradise. Whether the result is a horticultural masterpiece
or only a modest vegetable patch, it is based on the
expectation of a glorious future. This hope for the future is
at the heart of all gardening.
~Marina Schinz
4 comments:
Hi Robyn,
Lovely to walk through your garden here and feel your love for the world of nature, and peace. Autumn is special for me too the glowing light in particular.
My thoughts on the *spiritual* In searching to 'Be with our Source' we hit strong ideas of other *humans*, sometimes in their zeal for what they believe to be true they can come across as *headstrong* and as you said you end up with a 'headache' trying to match their thoughts up to your own beliefs. Personally I have gone down many paths and enquired about many things spending 20 years in a Christian religion, just now I'm researching Buddhism, but at the end of the day my own closeness to God or the Source comes from *my own* gratitude for this beautiful planet we call our home. All of the other stuff is conjecture I feel!
Soul Hugs xxx
Your comments about the intricate cosmology made me think of that old quotation -- "He who speaks does not know. He who knows does not speak."
Your Wheel of the Year Garden sounds delightful -- what a great idea!
I have a little plaque that says:
"He who plants a seed
and tills the sod
then waits to see
believes in God."
xx
love to you
It is no surprise to me that your headache ebbed as you found yourself in the Mass. I suspect you've thought of it, Robyn, but I'll say it here as well - you are living and serving two worlds. One is the past and the other is the now. The now (Mass and Christ's message) is the fulfillment of the past. All that you need to experience and know is there. You might find this link interesting. http://www.acton.org/public-policy/environmental-stewardship/theology-e/catholic-church-and-stewardship-creation
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