how long has it been?

it seems like eons ago since i posted - so much has been happening and I have just not felt like putting it down in words. until I digested it all.

lets see.. alot of soul searching, journalling, walking and ceremony. ALOT.

an indigenouse based rebirthing ceremony in my own backyard - where I was surrounded by a small circle of women who honoured and witnessed my journey to self. we burnt eucalyptus leaves and smudged ourselves, they each gave me a blessing for my future journey and I planted a tree. a magnolia. in my backyard.

I created prayer flags based on the seasons - of Earth, incorporating myself into them. this was part of the Demeter Goddess workshop.

Persephone was the next and really, there is not much to tell about that - except that i resonate alot with that Goddess. it is the magick, priestess, ritual part of me.

I have had to let go of a friendship that was worrying me. very upsetting because i thought i had found a woman who shared my love of ritual and magick. but she was soul destroying in the end and I had to do alot of spiritual work to remove her from my life and it is ongoing.

my garden is coming along delightfully. we have been here one year now and i have experienced each season and love Katoomba and my home, Avalon as much as I did when we moved. Yesterday.. late springtime here.. it snowed!! I feel blessed and am grateful for everything that my life is offering to me at the moment. learning, accepting with gratitude.

a few photos of my journey the last few months

a year at Avalon. and although I didn't think we had done much around the gorgeous garden and home.. these photos show differently. my, how she has changed

my girls and i went out of a night to see Ash Grunwald, a popular blues singer

and I celebrated Spring Equinox with a lovely circle and celebration,

I am back!

and now today.. I have 11 days until I leave for my heart trip of my lifetime - back to see where my ancestral roots are.. dont forget to visit my travel blog.. I will be updating as often as I can and there is an itinerary to see where I am each day!

travels of miss Robyn

Demeter

the Goddess at our workshop this month was Demeter. I think I have found one that i resonate with. I think I have been in Demeter archetype since a very early age.
what came to me at the workshop though, was healing the mother wound..

we had a lovely sharing Circle -

and created a seed mandala in honour of Demeter..each woman choosing seeds and placing them on a red velvet cloth..after we had finished, we each took a corner of the cloth and started to wave it, mixing all the seeds up.. and then we were given a paper bag to gather some seed [plus a garlic bulb from the altar] and we are to make ourselves a healing soup during the next month.

Demeter Altar
each woman lit a candle and sent her love and wishes for the world into the future.

healing of mother-daughter wound. my mother and I. which for me, is all about forgiveness, acceptance and letting go of the need to be responsible, guilty, not being perfect [embracing Athena also as part of this to help me with strength and courage to speak my truth, the poise and confidence to speak to my mother without anger, fear, frustration.. and to be patient with her]
Demeter will bring many things to me this month best of all a beginning of the healing of my ancestral wounds, you see, I believe that I have chosen all that happened to me as part of my soul journey. All the past trauma in my life has a reason and I am feeling blessed to have this opportunity now, to begin to heal all the past traumas of many ancestral lines and also into the future, to prevent the abuse that many women in my ancestral line have experienced. What an honour this is. Mind boggling actually. And I know that my great grandmother Laura stands beside me as I do this, as I travel to Cornwall in a few months. I now know this is part of the reason of my travelling over there.
[I can see that my mother is in the Demeter shadow archetype as Martyr]. What I can bring to this healing is a positive Demeter with eyes of compassion, warmth and generosity of spirit and quality of time spent with her, instead of feeling as if it is my ‘duty’
In turn, this will bring to me, to her, to the world, gifts of healing and regeneration.
I will do a ritual this month sometime, maybe at the time of the moon that I was born.. I have the tag that was wrapped around my ankle when I was born, this has blood on it and I will use this as part of my ritual. I am going to interview mum and allow her to talk about her childhood, lighting a candle and allow her to speak and really listen, like I do in circle to each of you. And maybe I can do a little gardening with her in her little unit where she lives.
I am feeling positive about this, I do love my mum but she does frustrate me alot.. this is where I can embrace my own Demeter archetype.

and in working with Demeter, an idea is brewing in my soul.. to hold a Circle meditation, worldwide, once a month.. creating our own mandala and then meditating with it .. will sit with this for a few days as it comes to me..

'we can heal the future, just by projecting love into it.. we can heal Earth, by sitting with Her, meditating and sending love to Her now and into the future"..
lets do it!! let's do this for the Bees.

the season of Imbolc

my Imbolc altar: a little Brighid doll that I made a few years ago, some early snowdrops, white lace cloth, some crystals, a Brighid cross from Ireland and a healing cloth [folk lore from my ancestors says that if you hang a cloth outside on the eve of Imbolc, then Brighid will pass by and bless it.. and she did pass by that night, leaving a trail of thick white frost, early morning]. I love decorating my home to celebrate each turn of the Wheel of the Year..

"Woke to the carolling of magpies in the pine trees
Maybe telling us that it is nest building time and they will soon have baby magpies to introduce to us. Their singing was more melodious , more intense, more loud than other days. It was beautiful to lay in bed and listen. I am grateful that I can hear.
A chilly morning with a heavy frost , my birdbath was frozen,

the snowdrops are up, a sign of early spring. This is the plant that I will plant in my wheel of the year garden to mark Imbolc, early spring. They never fail to bloom right now. An early walk around the garden with frost crunching underfoot, I observed the plants, surrounded by the light covering of frost on the mulch. They are all getting in readiness for the spring burst of growth, I can feel it. Flower stems promising a profusion of the madness of colour in spring that comes with a cottage garden

This will be my first spring at Avalon in Katoomba. I walk to my front gate and untie the holly from Yule and place it in my new cauldron where it will be burned sometime during the next week for Imbolc.
I try not to stress too much about doing all of this on the actual date, most importantly for me is that I am noticing and honoring the seasonal wheel turning. As I walk around my garden the magpies continue to sing and I see them flying around. One alights in the old cherry tree and watches me. I wonder if he/she is watching to see if I am a threat to their nest. Fear wells up, these birds, as gorgeous as they are, can sometimes be quite aggressive at nesting time. A note to myself to be aware of this. I hope to make friends with these birds like I did at inglewood where they knew that they were safe in my company"

my very own shield of Athena

this shield that we are making in our Goddess group, for me, has turned into something bigger than Ben Hur as the saying goes.. I have weaved.. threaded, agonized, pondered and dreamed about this shield. and I have enjoyed every single minute.. it has for me, turned into something magickal..

I started with a framework of apple branches [Avalon, you know].. and tied them tightly together with string and then began to weave.. weaving wool, cut up blankets, lace, a torn up tablecloth.. I added a flower trim to represent my love of gardening - the middle represents my life so far..

"I have woven in my ancestral mothers who are always there to guide me, an old tablecloth cross stitched by my maternal grandmother who always laughed at life, despite being quite ill - black represents my ancestral grandmothers from Cornwall - the original village Wise Women, helping others with herbs & wisdom. the yellow wool represents my paternal grandmother - who crocheted - mother to 7 boys. a true Hestia Goddess, one who stood strong in her own spiritual self. bits of vintage blanket represent warmth and nurturing. blue and green for healing. a bay spirit bundle woven in to protect from bacteria, cinnamon for good heart health. the colours of the chakras and then the brown.. representing my love of earth and my wise woman self"

a ball of thick brown wool which was perfect for the next part - that of my hopes, dreams and wishes for my future..
and then I began to add 'bits'..

a wise woman with O'Yarrang hair and seeds from the desert, a jabiru feather found on one of my gathering walks, shells from my beach walks and a medicine bag representing my desire to be a wise woman who can share her medicine, her craft..

the gorgeous pink rose represents my eldest daughter Louisa

a bag of my hopes, dreams and wishes, where I can place notes and add magick to manifest them..

my home.. and a talisman to represent my mother.. who I struggle with... a heart and little baby with her.. me. the violet is for my youngest daughter Sophie and there is a blue button for my boy.

an Owl which is Athenas companion.. and meaning wisdom to me.. and some words which I dream to have within me.

an angel wing and a Bee, representing the Goddess..

an old purse with citrine crystal inside represents abundance of all kinds..and a little pocket for my new Moon Intentions.

and this is my finished shield..

struggling with Athena.. and signs of spring.

Athena has proven to be somewhat of a challenge.. BUT, I believe she came into my life for a reason.. and I am finally getting to the whole crux of it, I think

(July 20 early morning)
Waking often through the night, thoughts wanting to be heard:
I am a housewife, that is what I do, although I like to think of it as a Temple Keeper - often I see myself lighting candles and polishing pieces of gold...

so where does Athena fit into my life, I am finding it difficult to grasp this.
I see myself cutting down ivy, revealing a magnificent stone wall with carvings in the stone. what is it that She wants me to cut away from myself? What will be revealed?
... To become the village wise woman that I yearn to be, by sharing self, talents, life knowledge, wisdom and yes craft because I know the craft of old: creating magick pieces, pieces of self.
fear of stepping into my power. But what the bloody hell is my power? Still missing this point!!
Then a strong message: do the rituals that you want, don't feel silly or self conscious about it because by doing the rituals you will find peace within and this will bring peace to the world

the trip north to visit my daughter.. only got to walk on the beach, once. due to my mothers demands. it was certainly a big learning curve for me.


More journalling - July 22:
At the moment we are on a little trip, north in Mullumbimby. We brought my mother along to give her a nice break so she could see my daughter and her children. What was I thinking?


Taking her away with us has been somewhat of a challenge. The dynamics of our relationship have been brought to the fore and magnified, maybe to be healed.
I am finding it difficult, our relationship is not like that of others I know of. I hear women talk about their mums and wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Why am I not patient and calm? She frustrates and annoys me and I feel overburdened and oppressed at times, even depressed at times by the weight of responsibility and then of course the guilt steps in......


So why is this all happening right now? Just after I am introduced to Athena. What is she asking or encouraging me to do? Patience is one for sure,. But how do I find patience? I don't like being like this with mum but she won't change, not now.,, so it is up to me. But how?
One of my new Moon intentions was to remain heart centered, but I am finding it difficult to be there with my mother pushing all my buttons and trying to manipulate me. *sigh* this is when I need the wise counsel of a circle of supportive women

July 26 these journallings are becoming incessant!:
"when I went along to our 2nd Goddess circle gathering, I was excited. not knowing which Goddess we were 'looking' at... Athena was introduced to me. let me say, that I was not familiar with Athena.. actually not familiar with any of the Greek Goddesses.
So, here we have Athena being introduced to me, now. at this point of my life? obviously Athena needed to speak to me, to make herself known.
ok, I thought, this is fun.. another new Goddess that I can play & create something with..
I walked around during the day, cutting the cords, the branches of that which no longer served me.. not even thinking that what I was doing was actually cutting real energy from my own self.. and when cords are cut like that, they leave a void..., a hole that must be filled with something. eventually. I actually can't even remember what it was that I cut.... and so the weeks have gone on, me weaving my gorgeous shield, enjoying that so much.. but the angst not so much.
being away with my mother last week, really near drove me insane. bringing up so many past issues and guilt. oh the guilt!! guilt of not being a good enough daughter, not being patient, etc etc... gotta love that guilt.
yesterday was a bad day for me, last night I tossed all night. in and out of dreams...
I woke this morning, did my meditation and things floated through my consciousness...mostly the words why and what?.. not sure how it happened, but I came to a place where I knew exactly why Athena is here in my life right now.
to cut the cords that bind. to help me step into my power [which was taken away at a very young age to and buried deep within - and now I am in fear of stepping into it]
I have to cut the cords that bind - all those cords that keep me small. trying to keep everyone happy to the detriment of my own needs. worrying constantly about upsetting someone by not doing what they want. most importantly, I need to stop kowtowing to my mother.
all those things that do not serve my highest good but make me stress. I need to cut away the old deadwood, the cords that bind. And with Athenas help I can do this and the space that is left will be filled eventually with all those attributes that are needed for my future life journey.

today:
early morning in Katoomba, sitting in front of my lovely fire, gazing out at the blue sky and pine trees across the way, magpies caroling heralding early spring coming..... working on my shield... and I discover a wish/dream.... one that has been bubbling away for some time but I could never quite grasp what it was, exactly. I am going to tuck it into my shield and allow it to manifest..

and with that, I went outside into my garden.
planted some hellebores, weeded and mulched my garlic, hung swirly things in the apple tree for the beginnings of my faery place & I planned my Medicine Wheel. a place where I will celebrate each turning of the Wheel of the year. I am noticing that the snowdrops are flowering prolifically at the moment.. and my flowering plum is swelling with the promise of a profusion of pink flowers soon.. all very early spring signs.. the coming of Imbolc

Athena - Goddess journey

just recently, I began a monthly journey with a group of women - discovering 7 Greek Goddesses.

we meet once a month on a Sunday - at a gorgeous Sacred Space here in the mountains. the Circle is held by two wise women - sharing the passion - sharing their wisdom.
we walk into the space which has been set up like a temple. pillows placed in circle, each with a red knee rug for us to put around our shoulders, a cauldron burning in the middle with a tea candle placed around the cauldron for each woman.
first of all, we pass a basket of stones around.. each woman taking one and sharing her story, before passing the basket onto the next... these stones are decorated by us and are the beginning of our oracle.

then we are instructed on the Goddess. .. this month was Athena.. after sharing our thoughts, we break for lunch and then we come back together to create.. this month we are to create our Athena shield.. starting with 4 sticks, bound together in the middle radiating out like a sun.. then we weave.. because Athena is the Goddess of weaving.. among other things..

I started mine at the workshop, but did not like it so I decided to begin again

:"I wanted to begin again, so went out, with Joe holding a torch while I cut some apple branches from a pile of prunings. mind you it was 4 degrees. when I came back inside, the branches were too short. so I decided to leave it until morning.. dinner, bath and still could not settle. I cried. I knew I had to do something with this blasted shield.. so I wove all the strands into a little circle.. this is going to be buried in Gaia as part of my womb ritual... whenever that may be. I journalled for quite awhile.. anxiety about Athena. Embraced Hestia a month ago with gusto.. but Athena.. not one bit did she resonate with me.. what the hell was I missing? so I went to bed. tossed and turned, dreaming. I woke about 4am and just could not get the thoughts out quick enough."

here is my little womb shield which will be used for a ceremony to grieve the loss of my womb 12 years ago..

more notes from my journal:
"I feel fear well up inside me - fear of what? failure? I am comfortable in the Hestia archetype, after all, I have been Hestia from a very young age - even back to childhood. Athena is challenging me, pushing me out of my comfort zone. BUT, she wants to come forth I can feel it. I don't like it, I don't know what I am supposed to do. maybe nothing and just be. I like to stay safe. I don't have the courage or confidence to step out, blaze a path. Like starting my own women's group, or a reiki clinic [I am reiki master]. I have had so much experience, attending so many workshops. I was a Girl Guide leader for gods sake, 3 years of sitting in circle with the women of our future.. but I don't hold that 'bit of paper'.. which is all so important these days. I even carry herbal knowledge in my ancestral cells.. but that does not count.
I am beginning to wonder if Athena was with me as a little girl, when I was keeper of the peace, trying to bring peace and harmony into our home, our life. did I hold the shield to my sister and my mother? is that why I am I apprehensive about picking the shield up again? because it holds awful memories for it and i ended up being burnt out as a child. adrenal stress from a young age. Is the apprehension connected to my cancer journey, when I carried the shield of battle and protection, and every day being told how strong and brave I was? what is this foreboding, apprehension within?
I see myself in my lucid dreams as a foetus curled up in the womb in fear of being born, not knowing what is coming, what I am going to birth... stay safe...but Athena still calls, so I need to listen ......."

[have started my new shield, after picking long branches from my apple tree early in the morning, giving thanks to her as I went.]

and my everyday life? well, I noticed this morning that one of my plum trees have swelling buds all along the branches - but it is still winter time.. too early I hear my inner self say.. the snowdrops are already blooming - they are usually up at this time of coming Imbolc..
I am learning more each day about the differences in climate here in Katoomba.. the gorgeous magpies and currawongs sing in the trees across the way.. everyday. and not a day goes past without a white cockatoo winging its way past my back window...
we are off north again to visit the Mullumbimby Mob.. don't forget to watch for posts on Adventure Blog!

a catch up of my past month

I have been struggling this past month.. but in a good, healing way. despite deep heart pain, I know that all that is happening is a healing journey for me. so I embrace it.. dreams wake me.. in a sweat from flashbacks to cancer..all this is coming up now to be healed.. many of us, at the moment, are going through huge cleansing and healing.
I wonder why I am bitter and angry.. I journal this, but still reasons allude me.

I look at a photo taken about 20 years ago of Sophie and myself. I look so young, so happy. I question myself.. was i always angry, bitter and sad? no.. looking again at the photo, I see joy in my eyes, shining out, in love with life.. what happened? .. and then, with a jolt, i realise that this bitterness and anger that engulfs me at times, is definitely connected with the cancer treatment. a trauma that i have not grieved. the damage that was done to my body - a trauma that I have not accepted..

that is it.. it's all about acceptance of what was or is. I cannot fix it, I cannot take it away, nor would I want to, as I truly believe past experiences have made me who I am today.. so I have to learn acceptance. I have been reading Women Who run with the Wolves.. in particular 'Battle Scars' & Marking Territory'.. and so much that is said there, resonates within. so much.

"dwelling on trauma and doing so intensely for a period of time is very important to healing. but eventually all injury has to be given sutures and be allowed to heal over into scar tissue"
[I think i will create another spirit doll for this]

i struggle with who I am.. I grieve the loss of my kitchen table that I sold when I moved.. a place where birthdays were celebrated and memories made.. I look at my new [old] kitchen table.. a table for two.. and I realise that back at Inglewood, I was in the Mother phase of my life.. now, I am not yet a crone but a Priestess, a Gypsy or a Sorceress. depending on which book you read. I now have to step into that energy. that power. I have to learn to embrace who I am, where I am.
I have discovered that I have put on about 5 kilos.. and not happy with that at all. that is menopause. so I join a gym. I see myself in photos and cringe.. still not accepting of my menopausal body. even though Joe tells me I am beautiful. i don't feel it.. this is all about self love and worth. I am taking flower essences to help me through this.

the past month I have been walking alot

Joe and I took a walk to Minnehaha Falls. a women's healing sacred place. known and used by Indigenous women & now embraced by all women, to come to bath, sit, meditate, do ritual and heal. I found the remains of an ancient Marian shrine amidst the beautiful natural fern grottos.

this is the healing pool at the bottom of the falls.. I will return here oneday soon and do ritual to heal my past trauma [I have done one previously.. but there is more coming up to heal]

this is a rock formation at the bottom of the falls. it struck me that it looked similar to a womb.. so I embraced it with my hands. the energy at this sacred place is amazing.

and I have been painting. and creating spirit dolls.

I worked on this painting for a few days.. the white figure is MIWI - my Spirit that has been with me since time began [I saw this at Uluru a few years ago while meditating] - this piece of art evolved.. on the left side of the tree is my past life.. and me sitting under the tree, gazing to the future

three times in the past month.. at New Moon, Winter Solstice and Full Moon, I have drawn the RAVEN card.. so I went to my tree friend and sat in her lap.. and drew what i felt.

winter solstice RAVEN

I have also joined a circle of women for a Seven Month Journey with Greek Goddesses.. the first was Hestia - loving this!!

my Hestia Hearth - O'yarrang [indigenous plant used for smudging]. a piece of Australian Mookaite. a piece of vintage china that I found at Minnehaha Falls. and of course the clay Goddess that I created in the circle last month.

in my garden shed, I discovered a bucket of ash that I had kept from Inglewood's fire.. to be used on my garden..

so I did a Full Moon ritual of sprinkling the ashes.. some on my garden [don't you just love my stylish flannelette shirt.. bought from the men's section at Vinnies.. for $2.. they keep me so warm in the chilly winter day here in Katoomba!]

and the rest were sprinkled around the yard.. so now I have a little of the magick from Inglewood here at Avalon. I have bought some lavender to plant in the front garden near the Ballerina apple trees..and I have planted roses.. in readiness for the bees in springtime..
it is less than four months until we leave for our trip to England. all plans are going well.. a wonderful itinerary seeing as much as we can and spending one whole month in Cornwall, ending with a week on Bodmin Moor in a cottage to celebrate my 55th birthday!

note to wise woman self: do not forget to make an appointment to see the Oncologist.. it is checkup time again!

July Full Moon - Frost Moon

a little change to plan...

in the past, at Woodford, I had begun a journey with the Moon, with my inner wise woman..creating magick. in the garden, in my home and eventually I had hoped in my surrounding life..
that journey had been put on hold as I discovered, uncovered & started to heal past trauma.

this morning, I woke and sat in meditation.. feeling that I must continue my journey here at the Apple Tree and Avalon.. my journal and my art are all part of who I am, along with my blessed life and garden in my new home in Katoomba..

so

please sit for a spell.. as I re-create this, my Sacred Sanctuary..
Blessed Be
*about my journey*

a blessed and magickal Winter Solstice..

I woke up to a glittering cold morning. Jack Frost had visited and sun glinted off the ice that covered compost bins, vegie gardens and watering cans. my hose was frozen.
my first Winter Solstice at Avalon.
white cockatoo has been a constant in my world the past month.. each time I sit on my little sofa and look out the window, a white cockatoo flies across my vision path.. a coincidence perhaps or a sign?

I went for a winters walk to collect Holly and Pine to decorate my home.. red candles burn on altars, yule incense from Glastonbury burns in the little hallway..my clay hearth Goddess is commissioned and blessed and will watch over my home from now on.
my main altar is decorated for yule with crystals, pine cones and
and I plan my new outdoor sanctuary..
a carnation will be planted on the weekend, at Winter Solstice place in my wheel of the year garden.

A SOLSTICE WALK, through my neighbourhood





yes, a very blessed and magickal winter solstice to all

decisions

have you ever made a decision in your life.. that has affected you immensely?
a decision I made a few years ago has been on my mind of late. haunting me actually. but I know I cannot turn time back.

when we sold Inglewood, it was a decision that I made at a time in my life, when I really should have stopped, listened and thought about it.. but that is not how I work. I make snap decisions thinking they are perfectly correct for me, not listening to advice from others.... and then realize that my decision was not a good one.. but the decision was made and cannot be undone..

I am ready to admit, that I miss Inglewood, desperately. I miss the magic, the aura, the energy of the whole home and garden... I miss my gates, my chooks and my vegie garden. I miss the Buddhist Monk across the road and Marion just down the road.

and as much as I tried when I moved to Villa Maria to recreate that.. it could not be done. that house made me sick..so I made a very correct decision to sell and move that last time..

a move to Katoomba, a place that had long been a power spot for me. where my soul really does come alive in the crisp upper mountain air. where currawongs call from distant pine trees. a place where I can walk to meditate at very ancient places. where trees grow in dark moist valleys. moss and lichen in abundance. where mist rolls in, reminding me of times long gone...and my soul sinks into this dampness, like a comfortable old cloak. I called my new home Avalon.. to recapture a time past, one my soul is linked to through ancestry and genes. I love it here, I really do.

but still, I don't feel settled.. and I wonder why. .. the garden feels as if it is not mine.. it has not taken my energy on.. am I rushing it? expecting too much too soon? I look out at it and I remember the garden at Inglewood, the roses, the lemons [oh how I am missing my lemons right now, in the middle of a chilly winter], I miss the apple tree there..
I speak to Joe about it and he adds little bits here and there for me - whimsy that I had at Inglewood, bits that touch my inner little girl - we are planning on adding arbours and old gates, pots and statues.. .. even the growing season is different - alot colder up here.. but I am beginning to realize that the climate is much like England.. so I am sure, I can get my green fingers working to create a magick place, to invite the plant spirits and that special energy that I crave....

I speak to Sophie about it and she says she remembers the faery garden under the pine tree.

she likes Avalon, she says it feels like home.. still my heart aches, but some tiny part of me knows, that I am in the right place. for some reason of the Universe, I am here.

[it is 5 years today, since Daisy died.. and still her little Goddess hangs near me]
I am not creating much at all ..this frustrates me to a point that I could cry.. creativity stifled can kill the spirit - right now, mine is dying a slow death. inside screeches with frustration.. and something is wanting to burst forth, but I don't know how to let it.. my creative self yearns to paint/draw/capture the magick of her earth world.. the trees, moon, rocks, water and all beings who live there, the auras of moss and lichen.. earth colours...I see the late afternoon sun glinting through the far away pine trees, creating shots of stars through the branches.. and I want to capture that with pastels or watercolour.. but it eludes me. frustration has become my constant companion.. I tell myself that maybe paint and paper is not my medium, but no! I want to paint.. I.WANT.TO.PAINT.

little conversations with self.. telling myself that maybe paint and paper are not my medium, maybe I should stick to cloth and collage.. maybe I need to begin to walk again, to hug trees, to sit with lichen and moss. to embrace Earth and let Her embrace me. maybe then, my creative muse will return. maybe my creative muse will play in the garden and in doing that I may just begin to create art again

artybra 2012

I had the privilege of being able to enter into an art fundraiser for Cancer Help Blue Mountains - to create a bra that would be auctioned off to raise money for a charity that helps support those with cancer, survivors and carers of those with cancer..and I created a bra from some of my vintage collection of rosary beads and Marian icons. our Lady of the Vintage Brassiere

the auction was on Saturday night and my bra sold for $180 to me.. I had planned on buying it back but someone liked it alot also and bid against me - so the bids went up and up. that is wonderful! stopping just shy of what I had planned to pay & now, my own bra creation, hangs in my bedroom.

I also bid on two others, which I won. all the money going to a fantastic cause.

this one titled Heaven and Hell is an airbrushed bra - by a tattoo artist. now hanging in my lounge room. I love it!

the other one 'Swell in a Seacup' [themed along the sea.. shells and seaweed and tie-dyed a beautful seablue] - I am offering as a gift here.. just put a comment and say you would like to win and in a week, I will choose a winner.

[I am off on a little trip north to the warmth.. to some hot springs and then to visit my gorgeous grandsons by the beach. I will be visiting the Crystal Castle and taking part in a few workshops, one of which is called 'Creating a Soul Shrine].. I will be posting here, on and off but don't forget to follow my travels along on my 'wandering blog'..follow me...]

linking to: POSTCARDS FROM PARADISE

heal thy self

following on from previous post..

Katoomba is a healing place. and here, I am finding that I am beginning to heal..through contemplation, art and sitting on Mother Earth with barefeet, just breathing..

[I meditate often.. a red shawl connects me to the Magdalene energy..is it sacrilegious to portray myself here like I have?]

one of my guides is Mary Magdalene. ... and this is where issues come in for me.. on my spiritual journey.. I read of this one or that one having visions, others channeling Mary Magdalene and messages from her.. some have been given gifts or been told to create cards or essences and then I begin to wonder.. why not me? Why, do I have to struggle constantly with this.. why haven't i been given evidence that someone, anyone is there for me in spirit.. why must I wing it all the time? no feathers dropping from the sky, no messages.. just me and the thoughts round and round in my head.. and that is where the angst and tiredness come to the fore..
and then there is the fact that all these people who have been given these 'gifts'..charge us[me] an arm and a leg for them, putting them out of reach of most anyhow.. which then makes it look as if the spiritual quest is only for the wealthy.

oh and then I read about balancing the chakras.. spinning them the right way.. facing shadows and fears.. and if I balance my base chakra, does that mean the others are out of whack.. oh so many, many questions..

I sign up for way too many online workshops.. workshops that say that I can channel my inner goddess.. heal this, heal that.. find myself... and on it goes.. I spend way too much money on such things.. looking for a fix or an answer... and hoping that maybe I will connect with my tribe.. [but of course, that is yet another story...]

I pay people here in real life to 'heal me'.. shamanic healers and others.. and then of course, I beat myself up about the cost.. knowing all along that yet again, I am giving my own power away to others

I meditate but worry that I am not doing it long enough.. maybe if I meditate longer, those on the other side will be able to get their message across..

i don't want to get caught up in this spiritual woefulness or negativity.. but I must put my thoughts down here.. to get them out of my head, actually. to make sense of them once they are in writing.

I walked .. to my healing place near Katoomba Falls and sat in the sun, feet on the Earth.. wondering, wondering.. closing my eyes, I just connected to Earth and pretty much surrendered.. sending roots down into the Earth until my roots were mingled with those of the trees, the ancestors and all beneath the surface... I felt energies of elementals dancing around me.. and a clear crystal red coming down over my crown settling into my base chakra..

and the words, floated through my mind..

heal thyself..

ok. where do I start?

[books that are my companions at the moment: Women Who Run with the Wolves, Anatomy of the Spirit & the Secret Teachings of Mary Magdalene]

and Avalon? the trees are almost bare, my garlic and peas are up and beetroot is taking its time..we have started to paint the outside.. choosing a lovely apple green with aubergine trim and candy pink doors.. very colourful. I love it!
it is windy. winter is definately here. our fire is lit often, bundles of kindling sit ready to keep us warm.. snow clouds skim across the sky.. a promise that I will wait for..my first winter at Avalon.

sacred mysteries

the past months, my life seems to be one of interior reflection. through art and contemplation. I have been taking part in art therapy groups and creating collages to process my thoughts and wonderings, working through life issues, trying to work out why I get so angry at times, when really I am not an angry person at heart. trying to make sense of it all. where it all fits into the scheme of my own things. of course, my life has never been a still one.. especially my spiritual life. It seems I tend to seek and search as if on some kind of spiritual quest.. never settling into any one core belief.. taking a little from here and there until I come to a comfortable place of acceptance.. for a while. something then pushes me out of this comfortable place and my quest begins again. and on it goes. sometimes, this can be quite tiring. frustrating. and even manic. but all the while, I am getting to know a little more of my own soul. little by little. layer by layer accepting of what is. I went to Mass yesterday. to a small chapel on the south coast built in 1888 when I stepped over the threshold it was if I had stepped through the mists of time into a Sacred past, where i constantly yearn for. the priest was chanting the Divine Office. I was surrounded by stained glass windows, ancient wooden pews polished with beeswax, the altar adorned with flowers and candles. Mary in a corner flanked by huge brass candle sticks and her feet adorned with flowers. as the Mass proceeded, I was absorbed completely into the surroundings, becoming one with the past. so very sacred. touching a deep part of my soul. I felt as if the past was reaching out to me, through the mist, gently drawing me back to a time where I was, once. as if I had been there before. it felt as if it were a part of my ancestral memory.

a blessed Samhain

a time to honour the ancestors - a purse to honour my Nan, along with her little glass Christening mug, a crocheted milk jug cover for my grandma, one of Joe's mothers paintings and my dad's kookaburra toy.. three candles to honour the 3 Marys - Mother Mary, Mary Magdalene and Mary [Sophia-Wisdom], some autumn oak leaves and a heart with the word 'innermost' - this is my Samhain altar..

I have started a garden around my Marian Shrine - and to start with I have planted a Chrysanthemum for Samhain. at each turn of the Wheel of the Year, I plan on planting a plant to represent that time.
I have also started a crystal collection for the Wheel - black tourmaline is the first addition for Samhain. I plan to carry them in a little pouch that I am making for myself.
I am desperate to once again be connected to Earth as I was when I was at Inglewood. such a struggle for me, this spiritual journey of mine!

I took myself for a walk to sit near a waterfall - there was such a stillness to the day, the birds called across the valley, a slow, meditative call. I noticed many different coloured leaves on our native trees, I noticed a large eucalypt across a valley standing in white autumn glory, having shed her bark in readiness for winter, revealing her innermost self. I noticed a stillness in the air. I sat and breathed and felt such peace - like Mother Earth was beginning to get ready for her winter rest

a month spent in the garden

we are back home after our short jaunt up north to see Harry & Charlie [and their parents of course!] - Harry turned 4 - I cannot believe how quickly those 4 years have passed.. we had fish and chips on the beach to celebrate and the rest of the time we visited local markets, painted together and had fun.. and of course, it seems like quite awhile since I posted. yes, it is.

but, back home to Avalon & the mountains, the trees are putting on a glorious autumnal show - colours of magenta, orange, cerise, gold, tan & all colours in between are breathtaking when the late afternoon sun hits them. to me, that is God. the bird call has that slow autumn sound and the stillness in the air is heralding the coming of the resting season.

the garden is slowly, taking shape - all the vegetable gardens are full of soil & mulch, ready for planting.. I planted a few plants of brussel sprouts and some mizuna lettuce for winter greens and a couple of calendula plants. oh and a lemon tree! - times like this, I will admit I miss my old garden at Inglewood - but I know that I can work this garden and make it mine..


the front garden is looking lovely too - I planted a rhododendron and some foxgloves, some hollyhocks and a lemon verbena.. lots of pea straw spread over to encourage the worms..
we have two new hens.. an australorp and a Langshan... this completes our family of chooks.


blueberries are growing strongly after being planted about a month ago
we have been making compost from the autumn leaves which will turn into rich, wonderful soil for next years vegetables. I have planted a tamarillo, hopefully it will grow here in the colder climate.

a few weeks ago, I ordered my garlic bulbs to plant and they arrived during the week.


so today, they were all planted outand I also planted some parsley, coriander and curly endive & french sorrel.

I hope to go to the nursery some time soon and buy some daphne and a luculia if I can find one. I need to add some whimsy to my garden and I am painting the Marian Shrine that Joe built for me. in colours of Mexico - a long way from Katoomba but I am drawn to the colours of Guadalupe at the moment and those colours will surely add some whimsy. I am amazed at how many tourists walk past my home on their way to Katoomba Falls and stop to take a photo of Mary in her shrine.

it will soon be time to order potatoes.. I am at odds whether to plant potatoes this year - when we go to England they will need a lot of hilling up over the time we will be away - so I may leave it this year..

I found weevils in my jar of rolled oats - first time in over 25 years.. I was cooking my oats and saw brown specks.. then looked at the jar and it was crawling with them.. so the new chooks had a feast and I scrubbed the lid and jar and put them into the sun to dry. I have always put a bay leaf in the jar with grains & flours.. and never a weevil. Hadn't done it since I moved here.. so off i went to gather some bay sprigs.. and hung some in the pantry as well as in the jars.

I am loving Katoomba - I walk up the hill most days if I can - but haven't been on any bush walks for ages - too much rain equals leeches and ticks and I live in fear of those things.. I have been walking elsewhere, though - to a favourite spot that overlooks a vast valley - I have been sitting and doing contemplative prayer.. on a rock with my feet barefoot on the ground.. at times the wind blows gently through my aura, I can hear birds coming to life in early morning, I can feel the ancestral mist on my face. times like this, I am at perfect peace.

I still struggle with my spiritual life - I often wonder if my searching will ever cease. I doubt my connection to the Divine, alot. it is such a struggle sometimes, and often my soul cries in frustration. but there are times, when I can just sit in contemplation and feel the direct connection - these are times of my peace also.