I feel the Atlantic calling me
Whispers of yearning.
The Cornish coast calls my soul
Just like I was told it would.
I will return again
To walk the cliffs of Tintagel and the beaches of Perranuthnoe
It is part of my destiny
[me - 2013]
it has been some time since I felt like sharing myself, sharing my journey. I have felt a need to hold myself close to my heart.
the past weeks have been difficult for me. so much has happened over the past months..
Joe had a serious bike accident but thank Heaven, he 'walked' away with only severely sprained ankle. Although apparently he did lose conciousness for a short time and spent a night in hospital being observed for head trauma. That was about 7 weeks ago and since then, it has been a very trying and soul searching time for us both. I refused to even think of him getting another, but it is part of his soul, much like my garden and my spiritual journey is part of mine. So soul searching began, with me asking myself who was I to even think of not 'allowing him' to buy another. So we talked about it and he has bought another one. I have faced a fear and it is like a huge weight was lifted from my soul. I feel good about that
I have been writing my cancer story, which has been good and bad.. it has helped me talk about my treatment but it has also bought a lot of unresolved grief up for me. The bike accident actually sent me over the edge, bringing up a lot of childhood fear and anxiety and I think, pushed me teetering, over the edge. Leading to a kind of breakdown and finally getting a label as to what is 'wrong' with me.. PTSD. and of course worry about my heart health, which is connected to depression. So that is where I am right now.
lots of soul searching going on, the question of who am I? art, play, journaling. being in my garden.
I begin to read about the Spanish Inquisition while creating an altered book - I delve into past life experiences and discover a link from being a witch tortured in France to my cancer in this life, things begin to make sense, to resonate and to feel 'right'.. crazy as it may seem, I do believe I have a lot of past life healing to do in this life. I notice a link in my emotions and the Moon cycle.
FROM MY JOURNAL:
I use to live in the present moment as a little girl. I can remember stroking the petals of a flannel flower, slowly. I can remember when I allowed myself to lie on the grass looking at clouds scuttling overhead or when I spent hours watching ants scurrying about their business.
When did that stop? And why? Was it when I became an adult? Too soon. When life became serious and things had to be done?
I have a deep sadness in me always, it is a longing for an England that no longer exists.
I know melancholia is part of me now and I will find a way to work with it, with ritual and nurturing and eventually finding a spiritual community
I feel as if I have been laid bare, much like a chrysalis bared from the cocoon. I even had my hair cut very short. I sit and wait.
no rush. being in the moment. stillness.
FROM MY JOURNAL - SUNDAY
Driving out in the country, we drive past old Catholic Churches and something tugs at my heart.
I so wish that I could find a way to live the spiritual life without the guilt. My soul needs Catholicism, it needs ritual but it also needs the folk lore of my Celtic past. I need to be able to meld both or all of my spiritual beliefs.. sometimes I think I have found a way, but then I begin to fret and worry about it all.. the guilt comes back. *sigh*.. such is my journey.
I have had friendships fall away and I feel loss but I am told that new friends will come. So I sit, place my hands in my lap and wait, like a woman waiting for a bus.
And while I wait, I will be in silence, in solitude - being with myself
I see myself walking the moors with a dog as a companion by my side / I have long dark hair and wear a green dress
so now it is like I begin again. I have started to meditate again, I light candles every morning - to Bridget, Mary, Therese and Cerridwen. I acknowledge to myself that I am also a mystic.
and I say to myself : be still.
[I wrote this in early September:
this morning I took myself off for a walk - the beginning of getting myself alot fitter to help my heart and also, my body image.
setting off with a scarf wrapped around my neck to ward of the slight chilly wind, I decided to walk two blocks. not far, but a start. I walked along looking into gardens and turned a corner towards the sun. As I walked, the sun shone on my whole being. I noticed blossom and warmth and suddenly my whole being was enveloped in warmth and love. I felt my heart chakra expanding, expanding out into my aura, enveloping me in pink gold. It was such a warm, nurturing feeling and as I continued walking, I breathed it in, not wanting to waste one bit of this warmth and love. I wanted to gain the most from this moment. i was in a deep state of gratitude. I knew that this warmth and love was healing me as I walked. Healing within especially, pulsing through my arteries with every beat of my heart. I spoke to the Old Ones as I walked, feeling them with me. Feelings that I was not alone on that walk. a good feeling.
I noticed cotoneaster berries shining in the sun, like highly polished christmas apples. I noticed rhododendrons and all kinds of blossoming cherries and plums. I noticed grape hyacinths and newly laid pea straw. I saw magnolias, regal and elegant. I noticed all manner of pots, filled to overflowing with newly sprouting bulbs and herbs. I saw alyssum in gardens, a reminder to scatter my seeds. In my minds eye, I saw myself scattering seeds in my garden, I saw myself planting shrubs to bring character to my own garden.
Still in my minds eye as I walked past gardens, neglected and overgrown but still blossoming, I saw elderly people inside their homes, too fragile now to get out and walk or even work in their garden.. all part of a circle of life..
It was like looking through new eyes at a blossoming world.]
