heal thy self

following on from previous post..

Katoomba is a healing place. and here, I am finding that I am beginning to heal..through contemplation, art and sitting on Mother Earth with barefeet, just breathing..

[I meditate often.. a red shawl connects me to the Magdalene energy..is it sacrilegious to portray myself here like I have?]

one of my guides is Mary Magdalene. ... and this is where issues come in for me.. on my spiritual journey.. I read of this one or that one having visions, others channeling Mary Magdalene and messages from her.. some have been given gifts or been told to create cards or essences and then I begin to wonder.. why not me? Why, do I have to struggle constantly with this.. why haven't i been given evidence that someone, anyone is there for me in spirit.. why must I wing it all the time? no feathers dropping from the sky, no messages.. just me and the thoughts round and round in my head.. and that is where the angst and tiredness come to the fore..
and then there is the fact that all these people who have been given these 'gifts'..charge us[me] an arm and a leg for them, putting them out of reach of most anyhow.. which then makes it look as if the spiritual quest is only for the wealthy.

oh and then I read about balancing the chakras.. spinning them the right way.. facing shadows and fears.. and if I balance my base chakra, does that mean the others are out of whack.. oh so many, many questions..

I sign up for way too many online workshops.. workshops that say that I can channel my inner goddess.. heal this, heal that.. find myself... and on it goes.. I spend way too much money on such things.. looking for a fix or an answer... and hoping that maybe I will connect with my tribe.. [but of course, that is yet another story...]

I pay people here in real life to 'heal me'.. shamanic healers and others.. and then of course, I beat myself up about the cost.. knowing all along that yet again, I am giving my own power away to others

I meditate but worry that I am not doing it long enough.. maybe if I meditate longer, those on the other side will be able to get their message across..

i don't want to get caught up in this spiritual woefulness or negativity.. but I must put my thoughts down here.. to get them out of my head, actually. to make sense of them once they are in writing.

I walked .. to my healing place near Katoomba Falls and sat in the sun, feet on the Earth.. wondering, wondering.. closing my eyes, I just connected to Earth and pretty much surrendered.. sending roots down into the Earth until my roots were mingled with those of the trees, the ancestors and all beneath the surface... I felt energies of elementals dancing around me.. and a clear crystal red coming down over my crown settling into my base chakra..

and the words, floated through my mind..

heal thyself..

ok. where do I start?

[books that are my companions at the moment: Women Who Run with the Wolves, Anatomy of the Spirit & the Secret Teachings of Mary Magdalene]

and Avalon? the trees are almost bare, my garlic and peas are up and beetroot is taking its time..we have started to paint the outside.. choosing a lovely apple green with aubergine trim and candy pink doors.. very colourful. I love it!
it is windy. winter is definately here. our fire is lit often, bundles of kindling sit ready to keep us warm.. snow clouds skim across the sky.. a promise that I will wait for..my first winter at Avalon.