decisions

have you ever made a decision in your life.. that has affected you immensely?
a decision I made a few years ago has been on my mind of late. haunting me actually. but I know I cannot turn time back.

when we sold Inglewood, it was a decision that I made at a time in my life, when I really should have stopped, listened and thought about it.. but that is not how I work. I make snap decisions thinking they are perfectly correct for me, not listening to advice from others.... and then realize that my decision was not a good one.. but the decision was made and cannot be undone..

I am ready to admit, that I miss Inglewood, desperately. I miss the magic, the aura, the energy of the whole home and garden... I miss my gates, my chooks and my vegie garden. I miss the Buddhist Monk across the road and Marion just down the road.

and as much as I tried when I moved to Villa Maria to recreate that.. it could not be done. that house made me sick..so I made a very correct decision to sell and move that last time..

a move to Katoomba, a place that had long been a power spot for me. where my soul really does come alive in the crisp upper mountain air. where currawongs call from distant pine trees. a place where I can walk to meditate at very ancient places. where trees grow in dark moist valleys. moss and lichen in abundance. where mist rolls in, reminding me of times long gone...and my soul sinks into this dampness, like a comfortable old cloak. I called my new home Avalon.. to recapture a time past, one my soul is linked to through ancestry and genes. I love it here, I really do.

but still, I don't feel settled.. and I wonder why. .. the garden feels as if it is not mine.. it has not taken my energy on.. am I rushing it? expecting too much too soon? I look out at it and I remember the garden at Inglewood, the roses, the lemons [oh how I am missing my lemons right now, in the middle of a chilly winter], I miss the apple tree there..
I speak to Joe about it and he adds little bits here and there for me - whimsy that I had at Inglewood, bits that touch my inner little girl - we are planning on adding arbours and old gates, pots and statues.. .. even the growing season is different - alot colder up here.. but I am beginning to realize that the climate is much like England.. so I am sure, I can get my green fingers working to create a magick place, to invite the plant spirits and that special energy that I crave....

I speak to Sophie about it and she says she remembers the faery garden under the pine tree.

she likes Avalon, she says it feels like home.. still my heart aches, but some tiny part of me knows, that I am in the right place. for some reason of the Universe, I am here.

[it is 5 years today, since Daisy died.. and still her little Goddess hangs near me]
I am not creating much at all ..this frustrates me to a point that I could cry.. creativity stifled can kill the spirit - right now, mine is dying a slow death. inside screeches with frustration.. and something is wanting to burst forth, but I don't know how to let it.. my creative self yearns to paint/draw/capture the magick of her earth world.. the trees, moon, rocks, water and all beings who live there, the auras of moss and lichen.. earth colours...I see the late afternoon sun glinting through the far away pine trees, creating shots of stars through the branches.. and I want to capture that with pastels or watercolour.. but it eludes me. frustration has become my constant companion.. I tell myself that maybe paint and paper is not my medium, but no! I want to paint.. I.WANT.TO.PAINT.

little conversations with self.. telling myself that maybe paint and paper are not my medium, maybe I should stick to cloth and collage.. maybe I need to begin to walk again, to hug trees, to sit with lichen and moss. to embrace Earth and let Her embrace me. maybe then, my creative muse will return. maybe my creative muse will play in the garden and in doing that I may just begin to create art again