struggling with Athena.. and signs of spring.

Athena has proven to be somewhat of a challenge.. BUT, I believe she came into my life for a reason.. and I am finally getting to the whole crux of it, I think

(July 20 early morning)
Waking often through the night, thoughts wanting to be heard:
I am a housewife, that is what I do, although I like to think of it as a Temple Keeper - often I see myself lighting candles and polishing pieces of gold...

so where does Athena fit into my life, I am finding it difficult to grasp this.
I see myself cutting down ivy, revealing a magnificent stone wall with carvings in the stone. what is it that She wants me to cut away from myself? What will be revealed?
... To become the village wise woman that I yearn to be, by sharing self, talents, life knowledge, wisdom and yes craft because I know the craft of old: creating magick pieces, pieces of self.
fear of stepping into my power. But what the bloody hell is my power? Still missing this point!!
Then a strong message: do the rituals that you want, don't feel silly or self conscious about it because by doing the rituals you will find peace within and this will bring peace to the world

the trip north to visit my daughter.. only got to walk on the beach, once. due to my mothers demands. it was certainly a big learning curve for me.


More journalling - July 22:
At the moment we are on a little trip, north in Mullumbimby. We brought my mother along to give her a nice break so she could see my daughter and her children. What was I thinking?


Taking her away with us has been somewhat of a challenge. The dynamics of our relationship have been brought to the fore and magnified, maybe to be healed.
I am finding it difficult, our relationship is not like that of others I know of. I hear women talk about their mums and wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Why am I not patient and calm? She frustrates and annoys me and I feel overburdened and oppressed at times, even depressed at times by the weight of responsibility and then of course the guilt steps in......


So why is this all happening right now? Just after I am introduced to Athena. What is she asking or encouraging me to do? Patience is one for sure,. But how do I find patience? I don't like being like this with mum but she won't change, not now.,, so it is up to me. But how?
One of my new Moon intentions was to remain heart centered, but I am finding it difficult to be there with my mother pushing all my buttons and trying to manipulate me. *sigh* this is when I need the wise counsel of a circle of supportive women

July 26 these journallings are becoming incessant!:
"when I went along to our 2nd Goddess circle gathering, I was excited. not knowing which Goddess we were 'looking' at... Athena was introduced to me. let me say, that I was not familiar with Athena.. actually not familiar with any of the Greek Goddesses.
So, here we have Athena being introduced to me, now. at this point of my life? obviously Athena needed to speak to me, to make herself known.
ok, I thought, this is fun.. another new Goddess that I can play & create something with..
I walked around during the day, cutting the cords, the branches of that which no longer served me.. not even thinking that what I was doing was actually cutting real energy from my own self.. and when cords are cut like that, they leave a void..., a hole that must be filled with something. eventually. I actually can't even remember what it was that I cut.... and so the weeks have gone on, me weaving my gorgeous shield, enjoying that so much.. but the angst not so much.
being away with my mother last week, really near drove me insane. bringing up so many past issues and guilt. oh the guilt!! guilt of not being a good enough daughter, not being patient, etc etc... gotta love that guilt.
yesterday was a bad day for me, last night I tossed all night. in and out of dreams...
I woke this morning, did my meditation and things floated through my consciousness...mostly the words why and what?.. not sure how it happened, but I came to a place where I knew exactly why Athena is here in my life right now.
to cut the cords that bind. to help me step into my power [which was taken away at a very young age to and buried deep within - and now I am in fear of stepping into it]
I have to cut the cords that bind - all those cords that keep me small. trying to keep everyone happy to the detriment of my own needs. worrying constantly about upsetting someone by not doing what they want. most importantly, I need to stop kowtowing to my mother.
all those things that do not serve my highest good but make me stress. I need to cut away the old deadwood, the cords that bind. And with Athenas help I can do this and the space that is left will be filled eventually with all those attributes that are needed for my future life journey.

today:
early morning in Katoomba, sitting in front of my lovely fire, gazing out at the blue sky and pine trees across the way, magpies caroling heralding early spring coming..... working on my shield... and I discover a wish/dream.... one that has been bubbling away for some time but I could never quite grasp what it was, exactly. I am going to tuck it into my shield and allow it to manifest..

and with that, I went outside into my garden.
planted some hellebores, weeded and mulched my garlic, hung swirly things in the apple tree for the beginnings of my faery place & I planned my Medicine Wheel. a place where I will celebrate each turning of the Wheel of the year. I am noticing that the snowdrops are flowering prolifically at the moment.. and my flowering plum is swelling with the promise of a profusion of pink flowers soon.. all very early spring signs.. the coming of Imbolc