both sides of my coin

April 15
Lately, I feel as if I am floundering in who I am, within the sphere of my spiritual self.. I love hedgewitchery and I love Catholicism.. [they are both aspects of past lives, that seem to be an important part of this life].. but oh how I struggle with both of them or rather, how I struggle with combining the two..
Catholicism is bringing up for me, feelings of not being ‘evolved’ as some others think they are.. and hedgewitchery because I feel so alone with no-one to share with.. it is like there is a part of my soul that is lost in the wilderness and I am thinking of soul retrieval, because I am sure once I bring these parts of my self back, then it will all settle. Because I cannot give either one up.

Eating my breakfast this morning, I look out onto the trees across the way, that back onto the beginning of Katoomba Falls.. There are pines and eucalypts, oaks and flowering cherries. At this time of year, the eucalypt stands out more than at other times of the year,  because the leaves take on a burnt hue – not quite burgundy, but a dark auburn tinge. I noticed it last year and today realised that this is the autumn dress for that tree.
I have the windows open today, to take advantage of the autumn breeze that is blowing. It is not cold at all.. which is odd.. there is a warmth about it..

I feel gratitude when I see the autumn leaves blowing along the road out back of my home. I water the mint and I feel a love for my garden.. I know that I can recapture what I had in my other home in Woodford.. it will take time.. it will take a season or two, but I can do it.. I love herbs and I really would love to study something simple about herbs.. bringing that village wise woman self to the fore.
There was a thunder storm late in the afternoon and into the night.. rolling thunder and lightning, like a tropical storm.. very odd for this time of year. I noticed a family of magpies in my garden today.. and funnily, they seem attracted to my newly created circle.. they walk into it and peck around, then step out.

April 16
I went for a ride today with Joe... it was misty and really chilly when we left.. late autumn is definitely here.
The country side is so green and at times, I felt a similarity between here and England.. the narrow roads that we rode along, reminiscent of those many English laneways we travelled.. my heart was in love with this land, even though there is still a soul pining for England.
I saw crows and white cockatoos and gardens full of flowering dahlias.. many of our native eucalypts are shedding their bark.. some in long strands others in big chunks

April 18
There are alot of things in my life that seem difficult at times but each time something happens [ like the workshop last weekend,], it seems as if these are sent to show me what is right for me and what is not, it takes me some processing and then I come to a realization of that which I have been struggling with..
the latest one has been around the Catholic Church stealing pagan ways, some priestesses like Brighid and some of the Holy days.
From my journal:
Maybe they took what they loved of their old ways and brought it to this new way that they loved so much. Maybe the religion back then was more pure than it is now.
I am a tad tired of people saying that the Catholic Church stole this and that. Maybe they did for those reasons and I know deep in my heart that there is goodness in that faith.
I just think power and corruption has infiltrated just as it does everything even the goddess movement [that seems to be my nemesis]. In that movement you cannot be a priestess without years if training and lots of money and there is hierarchy in that too, believe me.

So I continue on.. with energetic staff in hand.. searching for my truth.. but all the while trying to live in the moment..

We took mum out for dinner on my way to contemplative prayer and when I took her home she grabbed my hand and said that it was wonderful that I was going to church (that is where the prayer group is held) then she asked me what strange stuff I was learning. She was concerned that I was going the devils path with my Shamanic course.... how do you explain reiki to an old woman?
I just said 'well mum you have a couple of crystals and don't forget God created them so they can't be evil!!!
Talk about tests of faith!

April 19

I am noticing alot of the native banksias in flower. There golden blooms looking very much like church candles standing erect on the end of branches. I never realized before that these bloom in late autumn.. a perfect colour. deep gold.

I went to Sr. Jacinta's Cosmology group today.. Cosmology does my head in.. but I continue to go because the Nuns have such wonderful reflections and meditations.. and today was not a disappointment.

From Jacinta's notes:
"we often hear people talk of spring cleaning but the season of autumn is also a good time to unclutter. Nature is busy doing her own cleaning in this season of transformation and relinquishment."

Jacinta had her altar decorated with autumn branches and a beautiful cross that she had created herself from a fallen tree.. and a basket of leaves was there for each one to take.. the reflection was all about letting go.. surrendering to what is.. just as a leaf does.. going from verdant green in summer, connected until it is time to go through transformation.. Letting go and releasing. When does one know that it is the exact perfect moment to release hold? And fall, dancing the dance of life.. [there are a few areas in my life that I can apply this to]

I go outside for my meditation.. it is a beautiful autumn mountains day. cold, windy and sunny. The cool air touches my face, making each nerve tingle with that delicious autumn chill.. the sun is beautiful, late autumn, where shadows are very soft.
I stand and let the wind rustle through my aura, the transforming breath. I am feeling cleansed and alive and yes, ready to embrace change. Ready to let go of clinging to the past, just like the autumn leaf..not knowing where I will land.. but trusting.. trusting that I will fall where I am meant to be. In the letting go I will come to an understanding of the Divine..coming into a new stage of my life.. my Centering Prayer, being an Oblate and all that my life encompasses.. I am blessed and in love with my life. I look for ways to help others, trusting that this will be shown to me in the perfect time..