a journey with trees

for as long as I can remember, trees have been my friends. My protector, my confidant. Cubby houses and secret places... where whispers of my heart would be told.

The old cotoneaster from my childhood home. Growing in the front yard.

this is the only photo of have of the old cotoneaster tree.

me at 17 years old, a very young mother with my son Caine.

when I was little, the tree was a lot more dense than in this photo.

my parents had thinned and pruned it out.



In the boughs, I would sit, pretending that I was Jo from Little Woman. always munching on an apple with my head in a book.

Then the lemon-scented gums that my dad planted became protectors for me when my parents had one of their many, many arguments.

I felt safer, even at night out under their protection, than I did inside the family home.

oh and there was a hawthorn of sorts, down the road and around the corner. Where I would scrabble in through a small opening to find a vast [to me] cavern. This is where I sat with a simple picnic of sandwich and cordial and whisper my dreams, wishes and sometimes share my angst.

the hawthorn of sorts has gone, my secret little cubby house, a thing of memories and in its place someone has planted bamboo.

The old Oak tree in the school playground, who would gift me with acorns and leaves of magenta, gold and orange. Whose trunk I could lean upon when I was shunned by the 'cool' girls in the school.

yesterday, I went for a drive over to my old childhood home.. and took photos. I remembered.
The old lemon scented gum is standing SO tall. I wondered if other little girls have sat under that tree, being protected and feeling safe. Silently, I said hello to this old friend of mine.
Sadly, the cotoneaster has gone. The hawthorn of sorts has been replaced by not quite as magical bamboo hedging and in the school playground, instead of a grand old oak tree, there is a new building.

Time has passed. As it does.
and over the years, while I still admired old trees for their gift of shade, I lost the deep connection of my childhood. It was lost, consumed in the task of living Of surviving. Of wounding.

time passes some more and I have found the connection with the trees, once again, as I [re]discover who I am. The trees have always been there, standing strong where they are, knowing their purpose in life.

When I use to go on the back of the Harley, trees would call my name as we rode past. Ancient forests of trees protected me as we rode along. I often wondered if those trees that had died, still held their wisdom within their now barren trunks. I can remember once as we rode home from a long trip, hearing 'welcome home'. This welcome is forever in my memory.

Now living in Katoomba. I am surrounded by many trees, mostly natives but some old pines planted by those gone before me. I feel at times, as if I am surrounded by kindred spirits. I once wished for a women's circle to share my journey with and now I wonder if these trees are the answer to that prayer. I can sit with these beautiful souls. Talk, listen, learn and share and tap into a wisdom, so ancient. For all of this, I am grateful.

gathering o’yarrang

today I went to gather some O'yarrang for a friend. This is more commonly known as Old Mans beard and is a kind of lichen that grows on trees here in the mountains. I am sure it grows elsewhere, but here in the mountains, it is infused with our grounded energy.

When I go on these forages, I always, always stop and ask permission before I begin. I ask Spirit of place to be with me as I go.
I arrived at the entrance of the path where I go to gather and a butterfly fluttered past as if to welcome me, then came towards me and danced a slow dance around me.

 

I continued down the path towards a lookout that I had never been to and the view took my breath away. I was alone. Not one tourist, no noise. Just me. And earth. and of course the ancestors.
I sat for awhile in silent contemplation and then proceeded to gather, asking permission from each tree. Sometimes, I get a no answer so I continue on. I also wanted a small piece of bark to fashion a coolamon from..  this was found, without any searching.

Having gathered enough, I proceeded to walk back to my car. The butterfly returned, dancing, mesmerizing me.

 

alighting on a tree to let me take a photo.

Flitting off, and coming back, fluttering around my whole self. I stood still, in total silence. Holding my breath.
I reached the place where I had begun my journey and turned to give thanks and as I did, the butterfly returned. Alighting on a flower right near me. I went to take another photo but it fluttered off as I reached for my phone camera,  as if to say "Sometimes messages are just for you, not to share with the world. To live in your heart. To touch your soul"

I wanted to capture that moment and put it in a bottle.

But as the butterfly flew off, I knew that this moment would be with me forever. The butterfly was showing me that not every moment has to be shouted to the world. Some are just for me to savour

 

**  Roman Chamomile is my new love. I have been anointing my throat chakra with it and the apple like scent does something to my soul.

 

quote for today: "do not edit your soul".... I did this for too many years... and now, I am clawing my way back.

I have been away. visiting my two youngest grandsons. Harry turned 6 while we were visiting.
My daughter and her family, live on the far north coast of NSW. It is hot and humid most of the time up there, and it does not do my psyche any good to be in the heat and humidity. Something comes over me, I don't know what and I become angry, annoyed, impatient, frustrated and many more words that describe the heat for me.

we arrived home yesterday, to mountains mist and rain and this morning, the mist is thick. I took  myself for a walk, to re-centre myself and as I walked in the mist, the damp smells took me back to the moors. Those damp earthy smells. The smell of rotting and decaying leaves during autumn.
As I walked,  I knew why the heat and humidity affects me so much. I am a moors girl, I discovered that when I was in Yorkshire and walking Bodmin Moor. I am a mountains and mist girl and being away from my soul environment, takes me out of my centre. I know I cannot go up there as often as I would like. That is the truth of the matter. I must nurture myself and keep the promises that I made at New Year to stay truthful to what I want and need.

While I was away, Joe and I celebrated our 26 year wedding anniversary. We stayed at the beach for a few nights and I went foraging to collect bits to make myself an autumn equinox poppet.

 

I walked the beach and gathered sticks, seaweed, shells and a feather for her wings. As I walked I weaved all that I want to leave behind as I travel into the darkness toward winter. And as I reached the end of the beach, I floated her into the ocean, returning her and my wishes to the arms of the ocean.

"there seems to be an obvious beauty in landscapes,

wild seas and skies,

layers of light and shade...

but what about seaweed or sand?"

 



It didn't seem right to me to be in the sub-tropics for autumn equinox. It isn't the same as at home, where the dew sits on the ground and where the currawongs sing their autumnal song. I missed my foraging, I missed the cool nights, the colouring leaves and the opportunity to make something special for dinner. I guess I am a homebody. But all is not lost because as a friend and mentor told me last week: "in the old days in England they used a fixed date and it was called Michaelmas. Which was 29th of the month. One of the old cross quarter days". As usual, this is all topsy-turvy to the Northern Hemisphere, but I  have to work with what I have. I will still be able to do an autumn equinox ritual here.

I have also been away from blogging.. and the reason is that facebook took over my life.
A few days ago I closed my account because I was finding that I was reading about other peoples lives without really engaging in my own. For the past few years I have been chronicling my life on Facebook, updating my status constantly.
Telling friends what I had for breakfast, if I saw circles or hearts, I would announce it to the world. I had discussions about life and posted photos of family events. And I don't know why I had the need to tell all about my life.
 I was also inundated with light, love and butterflies constantly, when, sometimes life is just not like that. Well, not for me anyhow.

And what bothers me now is that I have lost connection with those friends on Facebook and wonderful information about herbs and remedies but most of all, I have lost my thoughts and photos of three or more years of my life which is journaled there.

I don't want to go back, I want to live mindfully in my own physical life, experience life without the need and pressure to tell my status. Instead,  I want to hard copy it in an art journal, creatively.

what is happening in my world here in Katoomba?
the leaves have begun to turn and fall, the wild apples are still bearing fruit and blackberries are still to be found. I have planted kale, leeks, and radicchio in my garden. It is time to prune the raspberries and I have had my apple tree professionally pruned by a bio-dynamic gardener. He pruned it on the dark moon earlier this month.

it's good to be back!

Lammas

a few days late.. but gee, I have been enjoying the time of first harvest. The days have been delightful ~ there is a real going inward feeling. The afternoons have a stillness and slowing down. My heart soars!!

I am the prayer

There are no rules

At the beginning of this year, I promised that I would be kind to MYSELF, I planted that seed.
I am not sure if this is coming to fruition as yet but I am finding, that I am catching my self more when the inner critic steps in. And I am remembering to remind myself, always begin again. To begin again at the moment I realize that I have been harsh on myself.

FROM MY JOURNAL:
I can praise my perseverance in facing the demons of my past and while there is still a lot to uncover and heal, I have come a very long way. It's been difficult and at times I never thought I would find my way from the black abyss but I have and now I sit in my beautiful garden and give thanks to that bounty of healing that I have received through herbs.

During this past season since Midsummer, I have harvested blueberries, raspberries, plums. Apples, tomatoes and parsley. And I have picked bunches of roses, yarrow and lavender. Heartsease was used in salads. I made vinegars and tinctures. So yes, a very fruitful season.
There are plums still to be harvested.

I had my friend Marion call in last week and she squealed with glee as she gathered buckets of plums to make jam. She keeps ringing me on the phone to tell me how  many jars she has made and that the jam is setting wonderfully. She will bring me some jars up when she visits next. Home made plum jam, delicious! Billy my neighbour swapped me a pumpkin for a bucket of plums and she too will pass a jar over the fence when she makes her batch.

On the weekend, I went to a spiritual reflection day and the Community markets.
sitting in the garden at the reflection day ~ I pondered Lammas and from my journal:
"I sit in the garden, a warm, late summers day. Hydrangeas nearing the end of their flowering season, zucchini flowers, corn coming into flowering, apples.. a lazy day with butterflies slowly flittering hither. And although it is still summer, there is definitely f feeling of waning, a slight breeze ruffles the pages and my hair. A stillness as if the season of summer is taking a pause before beginning the journey inward towards autumn equinox and further onto Winter Solstice.
I feel as if I also, am coming to a point of stillness, at times. I ponder what it is that I need to let go of at this point, what am I  to harvest for this part of my journey? Over the past months, what have I sown that I can now harvest? Seeds of contemplation, of mindfulness, of stillness, of letting go, of HOPE.

On Sunday, Joe and I went foraging for blackberries, just up the road..

then to a community market later that morning - so much on offer for harvest. we had a wonderful time. browsing and purchasing. sitting and drinking coffee. slowing down.

 

 

January, Full Moon time

"beauty in a faded rose"

while gardening on the weekend, everything is in full bloom. Roses are having their summer flushes.

I noticed this rose, surrounded by yarrow. It was at the end of its cycle - there were insects crawling around the petals, holes where a caterpillar had had a nibble, a petal fell of just as I took the photo. the image I saw took my breath away. a faded, rose, damaged, petals falling, insects crawling inside  I saw such beauty in this rose. the colour, for some reason touched a part of my soul. I saw myself in this rose, its damaged petals resonating with me so much. Even as it fades, it still brings delight.  It is indeed beautiful and good - no less beautiful or loved for the trauma or damage it has suffered. I see this in the rose and myself. is it not beautiful?

Monday afternoon, I spend half an hour watering in the cooling day. I smell valerian, it is exquisite; another herb ally.

I have planted some lawn chamomile around a rose, hoping it will spread to make a perfumed lawn for me to walk on. To be able to stand, eyes closed and breath deeply ...

 

Watering the yarrow, I become lost in the feathery fern like leaves. At one time, closing my eyes and sinking into a quiet place. Feeling the energy of yet another healing herbal ally.  This is definitely healing among the herbs.

My garden has recently been described as 'my holy temple' and I believe it is truly, a most sacred and holy place.

When I lived at Woodford, I started a practice of naming the Full Moon and this Full Moon, the one just before Lammas, I am going to name 'Black Cockatoo Moon. For the past 3 weeks, we have had a clutch of black cockatoos, [at least 7], living in the hollow where we live. Feasting on the pinenuts that they find in the pine trees that are growing around our home, like the perimeter of a mandala.
they are a magnificent bird, so different to the screeching of the white cockatoos, these have a more genteel call, and fly with an elegance that the white cockies have missing.

I have been busy with my herbs ~ creating a motherwort tincture and some anointing oils. One from Vervain, from my garden and another from rose petals, also from my garden.

Both sitting in the Full Moon light for 3 nights. Vervain is to honour the goddess Cerridwen and the Rose oil will be to anoint myself for protection. I will also anoint my home with this oil - the door ways and windows. Doing things like this bring me close to my ancestral roots.  Working with herbs, whether in my garden or creating beautiful oils and potions, brings me back to a place that makes me feel whole, brings me to a place that I had forgotten. A place that I am slowly rediscovering by spending time among my herbs.

last day of the year. Farewell 2013

December 31 dawned misty and cool, although I know the day will develop into a warm one. There is a real stillness, a real winding down. The Dark Moon is here and the end of the year. I am feeling slightly melancholic today. My daughter and her family left yesterday after a visit for Christmas and it has left an emptiness in my life. No more gorgeous little faces at my door each morning. no cheeky little laughs or the word 'grandma' being said umpteen times when they want to ask a question. But an early morning walk, to the lookouts, soon brings me to a state of peace. The low cloud and mist, the sun glinting on the sandstone cliffs, black cockatoos enjoying a breakfast of pine nuts - all these things make something within stir. Is this gratitude? Seeing God in all.
Melancholia is a constant companion of mine and I am learning to consider it a friend of sorts. It visits and goes and over the past year, 2013, it has visited quite often along with the depression that goes with post traumatic stress. It is a long journey to wellness but I have a plan to help this journey.

first of all, every morning, I am going to take a walk into my garden and find something to be grateful for and I am going to create art around that.

And although I don't 'do' New Years resolutions, this coming year I feel a need to promise my SELF a few things. Going into 2014, January 1, a New year, my birthday AND a New Moon all on the same day.

This calls for something special, I think.

In 2014, I am going to surround myself with people who support and care for ME, I am going to moon gaze at times and lose myself in my garden, often.
I will eat good wholesome food 85% of the time and I will exercise to help my body to stay healthy.

2014 will be all about ME. Not in a selfish way but in a nurturing, caring way of self. I will stop and ponder before I make any decisions even as to what I order in a café. I will stop and think before I say yes to anyone or anything.
I am not allowing other peoples actions to upset my inner balance. I promise myself that I will walk away from friendships that do not honour or support my highest good. I will learn to take instead of constantly give.
I will journal and make art everyday. I will finish my scarf.
I will dance in my kitchen. I will go on more picnics.
I will spend time with God, sometimes in a church and sometimes not.

A new Year, a turning point for me between the Old and the New.
 

Midsummer Day

the temps soared the day before the traditional Midsummer date. Oppressive heat even here in the mountains, reminiscent of those hot, hot summer days of my childhood. Not being able to sleep at night, tossing and turning, wishing sleep would visit. Woken before dawn with the cacophony of white cockatoos flying over head, too tired to even get up to see if they were destroying my apples.
I am not a lover of summer.
I got up early, after the sleepless night and went out into the garden to water - there was a slight coolness but I knew another scorcher was coming. Watering the garden, I felt a stillness - like something had peaked. Waiting. And then I remembered, that tomorrow we would be on the inward spiral once again towards winter. Even if only a nano of a second every day, at least summer had peaked. That is not to say our summer is over. No. Our hottest month is yet to come. And of course there is the exact moment of Midsummer whenever that is, but I follow the traditional dates. It suits me better.

above is a photo from Inglewood, taken in Midsummer 2009.

The Pixie is now sitting under the apple tree here at Avalon

on my early morning solstice walk, I spotted yellow flower growing from a crack. I am not sure if it is St. Johns wort but it made me think of the plant. perfect for midsummer! like a golden sun, coming into fullness.

I planted a miniature pear tree in our back garden and then in the late afternoon, Joe and I went to the local growers market where we bought eggs, duck fat, olives for Christmas & a slice of Tart au chocolate to share, sitting on the grass in the cool. I also bought a daisy for my garden.
then for dinner, we did go to Katoomba Falls lookout and enjoyed chicken and red wine with candle light and then came home for dessert of Midsummer fruit salad and icecream

 

 

coming to Midsummer

Midsummer and Christmas occur within days of each other here in the southern hemisphere.

and yearly, I agonize over how to celebrate. Celebrating Midsummer is a personal thing that I do, as it is not embraced by any one else that I know, within my local circle of friends. They are all busy with planning Christmas celebrations and all that goes along with that. And I do that as well, although to a lesser extent.
However, the tradition of me hanging my wreath on the door on December 1st and then, continuing to decorate my home over the following weeks, following Advent within the Catholic faith, still continues for me as well.

to celebrate both may seem odd to some, but they are both a big part of my soul and with each, I celebrate and honour with LOVE. For me, to be able honour both, brings joy to my spirit and yes, both are all about LOVE.

And so, we come to Midsummer. The middle of summer, the heat. The dryness. The snapping of leaves and grass underfoot.

I am not an initiated witch, but I feel deeply within, the moving of the wheel of the seasons throughout the year and I love to try and follow some old ways of my ancestors. I don't understand the lore of each season or the stories, but I do what feels right.  Of course, not knowing what these are exactly, I am at liberty to pick and choose what I can find. And these mostly involve ritual and herbs. And acknowledging the day with special food.

Midsummer for me, evokes a lot of memories - Christmas bush which blooms at this time of year, the blue and white agapanthus, stone fruit in abundance - peaches and nectarines are favourites. The shimmering light of summer, hazy and hot.

Blooming in my garden at the moment are vervain, elderberry, celandine & Valerian.  Herbs are prolific, with mint providing leaves for my jug of water each morning. I have raspberries and blueberries to gather every day.
My apple tree is laden heavily with apples once again and I am forever hosing the cockatoos from the tree.  My plum is abundant and this weekend, I am going to net it, hoping to at least be able to gather fruit in autumn.
Unless one has had dealings with these white cockatoos, you will never know the destruction they can cause in fruit trees. I don't mind sharing my fruit, but they take one bite and drop the apple on the ground. In one day, they destroyed 8 washing baskets full.  The apples are not ready to pick until February, so it is just total waste.

I wanted to have an altar in my home to honour this time of year. I bought myself a couple of bunches of the red flowering Christmas bush and put it into an old jar & tied a gold ribbon around it.
I will make a fruit salad with Cointreau and I will take Joe and go for a picnic on Midsummer night. Down to Echo Point somewhere I think. to give thanks and blessings for all we have. We will sit and sip red wine under the sunset.

Sitting looking at a reflection, in the glass door, of my front garden, I notice umbels of Queen Anne's lace, waving in the breeze, against a backdrop of the ballerina apple trees and wire fence, it could have been a garden in medieval England or France.
For a moment I was transported back, somewhere. For a moment I was in peace. One of those moments that I wish would last forever.

FROM MY JOURNAL DURING DECEMBER:
Birds playing in the early morning, greeting the day with joy. Cotoneaster blooming to remind me of the summers of my childhood, where I would pick a branch for a Christmas tree in my room. Reminding me of my childhood, a girl of 8 or so, dressed in a thin cotton frock, barefoot, sitting in the branches of the tree, contemplating, even then, my role in the scheme of things.
I saw lots of feathers, reminding me of the words 'feathers on a breath of God'.
I arrived at a place that I am making sacred and stood for a moment with my eyes closed and as I did, a magpie alighted nearby and started to warble. singing to me. When I opened my eyes, a feather had been gifted to me. I said my morning blessings and did some Qigong. Gathering in the energy of the Universe and bringing it down over my body.

I often wonder what my 'life purpose' is. As noted in my journallings this morning, I have been pondering this since I was a child. I agonize over it sometimes but this morning, while I was reading some sacred text - the thought came to me:

What if my soul purpose in this life is right under my nose?
What if it is to weave magic wherever I am? To be in my garden, to tend that and to find peace in my own heart and to walk in nature and to find Gods beauty in all that surrounds me. Maybe that is why I incarnated to a land that feels so foreign to my soul. To find absolute peace and stillness.
In most of my homes, I have weaved magic in the home and garden and only last week someone who knew me at Woodford and loved that home, commented on that fact 'I suppose you are weaving your magic in this home as well?'

Here in Katoomba, in the home that I call Avalon, I have created a garden that the birds are visiting. I look out at my garden from my window, and it shimmers with green energy. I can now see my home and garden is actually a kind of vortex, an oasis of some kind. With the large pines creating some kind of circle around the area, my little mountain cottage seems to be right in the middle of a mandala.

seeing the Sacred in every day life

we have had an horrific two weeks here in the mountains. catastrophic bushfires have destroyed homes and left many of our friends homeless. At one stage we were on alert for our own home town to be evacuated. My mum was evacuated for 4 days from her aged care villa. at times, it seemed surreal. At times, I panicked, much like one of those women in an horror movie, who scream until they are slapped...we had buckets filled with water in case of spot fires and we had our plan but thankfully and blessedly, we were ok. My heart and prayers go to the 100's of people who lost everything. Thankfully no lives were lost.

I see the Sacred in my garden. ... in the plants ~ a mandala

So this weekend spent in my garden has bought my equilibrium back, it has centred and grounded me..
Saturday, I planted cucumbers in old toilet cisterns, weaving string and sticks to make a trellis for the plants to cling to as they grow. I watered the violets, mint and Valerian, tidied my stone circle, all the while in the company of cicadas, hoverflies and God.

Joe and I sat under the plum tree to eat our lunch and I found myself in the place where one goes to when day dreaming.

 

totally absorbed in the hoverflies on the calendula. This was like some kind of meditation, perhaps Lectio of some kind.. a kind of prayer. I remember as a child, sitting, daydreaming, communing with God on a very deep level. From a very young age.

 As I garden, I see that my chicory is coming into flower - I have never seen chicory flowers so I am really looking forward to what comes.

The yarrow that I was gifted from Yias' garden is spreading under the rose and is also beginning to form flowers. I love yarrow.

Sunday, I woke early and took a walk around my garden. The day was very smoky from the bushfires but I noticed a stillness..  a waiting. And as I looked at my wheel of year garden, at the sage, it felt like I had stepped into either the northern hemisphere or a past time. there was no noise of cicadas, the air was cool and moist. and I could feel the energy of my ancestors with me.

The veil is thinning towards Samhain and All Saints and All Souls day. Weird thing is here, it is actually the time of Beltane but I don't feel that at all. I didn't want to come back from where I was at that moment.

I gardened for a few hours, planting beans & pumpkins. I mulched the pots & watered the gardens. Jane, up the road bought me a big bin of pine needles for my blueberries and I spread that around my plants.

the apples are starting to form and I thinned the fruit, to allow the rest to swell and develop.

 Joe and I sat under the plum tree again for lunch. Enjoying a platter of fruit, cheese, beetroot dip and crackers and a cup of tea. Just being, for a time. It is good.

and this afternoon I went to a Taize service.. something that I did in Marazion, Cornwall. It is so good for my soul to go to things like this.. brings me back to myself. To who I am.

and more Sacred designs, this one made by me with shells gathered from a beach.

Moon cycles

I feel the Atlantic calling me

Whispers of yearning.

The Cornish coast calls my soul

Just like I was told it would.

I will return again

To walk the cliffs of Tintagel and the beaches of Perranuthnoe

It is part of my destiny

[me - 2013]

it has been some time since I felt like sharing myself, sharing my journey. I have felt a need to hold myself close to my heart.

the past weeks have been difficult for me. so much has happened over the past months..

Joe had a serious bike accident but thank Heaven, he 'walked' away with only severely sprained ankle. Although apparently he did lose conciousness for a short time and spent a night in hospital being observed for head trauma. That was about 7 weeks ago and since then, it has been a very trying and soul searching time for us both. I refused to even think of him getting another, but it is part of his soul, much like my garden and my spiritual journey is part of mine. So soul searching began, with me asking myself who was I to even think of not 'allowing him' to buy another. So we talked about it and he has bought another one. I have faced a fear and it is like a huge weight was lifted from my soul. I feel good about that

I have been writing my cancer story, which has been good and bad.. it has helped me talk about my treatment but it has also bought a lot of unresolved grief up for me. The bike accident actually sent me over the edge, bringing up a lot of childhood fear and anxiety and I think, pushed me teetering, over the edge. Leading to a kind of breakdown and finally getting a label as to what is 'wrong' with me.. PTSD. and of course worry about my heart health, which is connected to depression. So that is where I am right now.
lots of soul searching going on, the question of who am I? art, play, journaling. being in my garden.

I begin to read about the Spanish Inquisition while creating an altered book - I delve into past life experiences and discover a link from being a witch tortured in France to my cancer in this life, things begin to make sense, to resonate and to feel 'right'.. crazy as it may seem, I do believe I have a lot of past life healing to do in this life. I notice a link in my emotions and the Moon cycle.

FROM MY JOURNAL:
I use to live in the present moment as a little girl. I can remember stroking the petals of a flannel flower, slowly. I can remember when I allowed myself to lie on the grass looking at clouds scuttling overhead or when I spent hours watching ants scurrying about their business.
When did that stop? And why? Was it when I became an adult? Too soon. When life became serious and things had to be done?
I have a deep sadness in me always, it is a longing for an England that no longer exists.
I know melancholia is part of me now and I will find a way to work with it, with ritual and nurturing and eventually finding a spiritual community

I feel as if I have been laid bare, much like a chrysalis bared from the cocoon. I even had my hair cut very short. I sit and wait.

still, sacred moments are essential to my soul
no rush. being in the moment. stillness.

FROM MY JOURNAL - SUNDAY
Driving out in the country, we drive past old Catholic Churches and something tugs at my heart.
I so wish that I could find a way to live the spiritual life without the guilt. My soul needs Catholicism, it needs ritual but it also needs the folk lore of my Celtic past. I need to be able to meld both or all of my spiritual beliefs.. sometimes I think I have found a way, but then I begin to fret and worry about it all.. the guilt comes back. *sigh*.. such is my journey.

I have had friendships fall away and I feel loss but I am told that new friends will come. So I sit, place my hands in my lap and wait, like a woman waiting for a bus.
And while I wait, I will be in silence, in solitude - being with myself

I see myself walking the moors with a dog as a companion by my side / I have long dark hair and wear a green dress

so now it is like I begin again. I have started to meditate again, I light candles every morning - to Bridget, Mary, Therese and Cerridwen. I acknowledge to myself that I am also a mystic.
and I say to myself : be still.

[I wrote this in early September:
this morning I took myself off for a walk - the beginning of getting myself alot fitter to help my heart and also, my body image.
setting off with a scarf wrapped around my neck to ward of the slight chilly wind, I decided to walk two blocks. not far, but a start. I walked along looking into gardens and turned a corner towards the sun. As I walked, the sun shone on my whole being. I noticed blossom and warmth and suddenly my whole being was enveloped in warmth and love. I felt my heart chakra expanding, expanding out into my aura, enveloping me in pink gold. It was such a warm, nurturing feeling and as I continued walking, I breathed it in, not wanting to waste one bit of this warmth and love. I wanted to gain the most from this moment. i was in a deep state of gratitude. I knew that this warmth and love was healing me as I walked. Healing within especially, pulsing through my arteries with every beat of my heart.  I spoke to the Old Ones as I walked, feeling them with me. Feelings that I was not alone on that walk. a good feeling.

 I noticed cotoneaster berries shining in the sun, like highly polished christmas apples. I noticed rhododendrons and all kinds of blossoming cherries and plums. I noticed grape hyacinths and newly laid pea straw. I saw magnolias, regal and elegant. I noticed all manner of pots, filled to overflowing with newly sprouting bulbs and herbs. I saw alyssum in gardens, a reminder to scatter my seeds. In my minds eye, I saw myself scattering seeds in my garden, I saw myself planting shrubs to bring character to my own garden.
 Still in my minds eye as I walked past gardens, neglected and overgrown but still blossoming, I saw elderly people inside their homes, too fragile now to get out and walk or even work in their garden.. all part of a circle of life..

 It was like looking through new eyes at a blossoming world.]

pot marigold ~ herb ally & healer of mine

Yuletide, towards winter solstice

the dutch medlar is fruiting. I taste one.. a taste similar to a tart apple. I think this is more ornamental, although next year when I am organised, I might try stewing them. they are difficult to peel though, so maybe a kind of jelly would be better.

June 11
Winter Magick is coming up soon here in Katoomba. A day of parades, market stalls and celebration. I find myself excited about the approaching Solstice. A time where I will create a wreath for my door and find a log for my Yule Log ritual. Living here in Katoomba, really lends itself to winter with our cold winter days and the Winter Magick Festival. An excitement is building and I wonder if it is a deep connection to my ancestors anticipation of the returning of the Sun...

June 12
It rained today. And in the afternoon the sun came out, bathing my garden in that light of late winter, shining. I noticed the rose hips and seed heads of the Echinacea. The raked leaves on the garden were wet, creating a lovely mulch. A delicious time of  year.. [did I say that before?] A load of wood was delivered today, and I help Joe stack it in readiness for use.

June 13
I am reading that our ancestors followed signs in the garden. [ie first snowdrop blooming for Imbolc..] mine are already blooming! a tad early though.

June 14
It sleeted this morning. Fleetingly. I sat in a little cafe, warm chai in hand, watching the sleet, swirl down.. and the excitement of snow, maybe..
 The snow clouds hung low in the sky.. but no snow. Winter is truly here.

This morning, the council did the tree trimming around the power poles and left mounds of Yule greens for me to gather. I walked up the street, secateurs in hand, feeling as if, once again I was back in time, gathering Yule greens to decorate my home as I did in times and lives past. I am creating memories for myself as I do this.. helping me to bond with this home.. I cannot do it all in a blink of an eye. At Inglewood, it took quite a few seasons to actually feel as if the home and garden were part of me and I know that I must  not rush the process here in Avalon. it will happen as the seasons turn.

There was a thrill going through my soul as I wound and tied the greens into some kind of wreath. Not worrying too much if it was a perfect circle. The leftover greenery was put into a bucket near my front door.

June 16
Last night, I dreamed of a goddess in blue with mists around her, she came in and out of my dreams at least 4 times. sometimes, floating as if she were under water. I looked up goddess in blue and the Celtic goddess Danu came up.
Of water and an early earth mother. Not surprising, as in the 13 Moon course I am working with the element of water... I took this dream as a message from Danu that she wants to be my goddess for water and emotions among other things.

June 17
After a day in my shamanic class yesterday, I woke this morning feeling vulnerable, bare.

Like a tree in winter needing to rest before the journey starts towards spring

As I was cleaning the shower (element of water again), I began to think over my constant search for my life purpose. The workshops, the women's circles, and I honestly jolted into a realization that I am here to enjoy life. Its as simple as that. Not to constantly worry about achieving and doing but to enjoy myself, to play. Whether it be enjoying circles where I just go along or play with herbs as if I am living in times past. I don’t need to do anything to achieve my ‘life purpose’.. a term that is bandied around too much, really. Putting pressure on myself to do something, be something and this is something that is falling away from my being.

Later that afternoon, I gathered my gardening gloves and secateurs, took a basket and went off for a walk to gather some holly and pine cones for this Yuletide season and winter solstice
I put the finishing touches to my Yule doll, tied holly with a red ribbon to hang on my front gate and put a vase of holly at my front door in preparation for winter solstice

June 18
I woke this morning feeling very unburdened. Light even. Since discovering the fact that I can enjoy life without the pressure of using my reiki or other talents for a purpose in life, it is like a heavy weight has been taken off my whole self and I feel joyous. A very good feeling
I went to the nursery today to buy a plant for winter solstice and came home with valerian, tansy, baby spinach, an elder plant and a native shrub that looks exactly like holly. The same leathery prickly leaves. Except this plant attracts birds with gorgeous fuschia like flowers in spring. This I will plant as my sacred holly tree in lieu of the real European holly that is a weed here in the mountains. I also want to buy a couple of daphne for my front garden. the most exquisite perfume. I had alot of daphne at Inglewood and the garden at this time of  year was truly a scented garden, something I hope to achieve here in the garden as well. there is nothing like a posy of daphne in an old cream jar on the table.
I also went to a favourite vintage shop and bought the most exquisite red sari to use as my Yule altar cloth.

so, today, June 19, I begin to decorate my Yule altar and greenery on my mantle piece.. and look forward to Winter Magic Festival on Saturday.. look forward to Winter Solstice and my planned meal of Beef and Guinness.. from Daisy's recipe.

and you know, this journey of mine, may seem intense, it may seem like i am sad sometimes, but I am not. .. I am rediscovering who I am.. that woman within who loves life.. has had some knocks like we all do.. a woman who knows she is blessed, a woman who loves life with a passion, a woman who wants to create, a woman who allows herself to experience every emotion when it visits.. however  difficult it may seem.. but knowing deep within that it is all part of her journey

June arrives & I come to a decision.. baring my soul.

I embroidered some small pieces of linen with words and hung them around my pottery water filter ~ with the intention that the qualities of these words will be infused into the water..following on from Dr. Emoto..

June 4
I spent quite a few hours in my garden today. Weeding, pruning the plum tree and mulching. I noticed that the sage that I planted for Samhain, in my wheel of the year garden is yellowing and has stopped growing. Truly going inward towards Winter Solstice. I also finally bought some alyssum seeds to plant around the sage – Alyssum being an annual for Samhain, according to my Celtic Lore.

June 5
Water is the element for this month in the online course – I can feel the energy of water in my life. June 1, it rained. And I, myself, feel as if I am being washed cleaned.
I have not even looked at the notes for my 13 moon journey for June. I feel myself going inward in a huge shift. Yesterday, I had a headache all over my head. I read somewhere that there are a lot of solar flares happening and this could be causing them. I feel myself, shedding.. like my snake totem animal [must remember to ask for help from snake when I need it].. I am shedding my beliefs and changing or morphing. I know now, that I am not a Christian, but still love some of the ancient traditions of the catholic church and would still defend that. I still feel a very strong connection to the christian mystics and Mary.
I know now, that I don’t need to go to church to be able to have the Marys in my life. I am embracing my witch and pagan self more each day and feel at ease with this.
I have also realized that to bond with my new home, I must slow down. This means for me, actually cancelling my gym membership and spending time walking in the gorgeous bush near my home, sitting journaling in the cave and taking my drum and drumming somewhere surrounded by trees and rocks.
This morning while in the shower [water again], I was thinking about the ever elusive life purpose that so many talk about.. and I came to an understanding that I am to heal myself.. by what I am doing … ritual, journaling, art, garden and workshops for self. I am to learn to love, honour and nurture myself and in doing that, I will heal..and as I heal, I help heal the world. In a big way, vibrationally.

I created an altar in my bathroom for a water ritual each morning

June 6
I bought some beeswax today to anoint my wand. I made this wand a few years ago from the wood of the apple tree in Woodford and as I was anointing this wand, I felt that I must let this go. I must create a new wand, for the new emerging me, the new home in Katoomba and let the old one go.
So this weekend, I plan to create a new wand and bless it with water from chalice well. And a new crystal will be found. I may even use a rock from Cornwall as well.
[I ended up starting the wand today. I went to find a branch to cut on the apple tree and asked permission to take a piece. Cutting the branch into a wand and then trying to sand it proved difficult on green wood, so I found a branch from a pruning of the apple or plum tree from last year. I am not sure which tree but it doesn’t matter as I will create another wand from the piece I cut. I sanded and chiselled and smoothed the bark and then went to my shamanic class

June 7
This morning I had my shower, did my blessings and asked Le Fay [my chosen Water Goddess], and the water spirits to help me release negative past emotions within and to help me heal the grief that I hold within from past conditioning and past lives.. and then I blessed my new wand and anointed it with sacred oils of spikenard and sandalwood, I cleansed it with sage and then I anointed it with beeswax.
Driving down through Leura Cascades, I see early flowering wattle, bare European trees and the lushness of rain forest in winter among the tall mountain ash forest.

I just cannot believe how easily it has been for me to let go of the Christian conditioning from childhood, since I made the commitment a month ago. When I sat and thought about what it was that kept me clinging to the Catholic Church I realized it was just the ritual and ceremony and that is what helped me to drop the last thread and feel comfortable with it.
Dark moon and I am feeling as if I am in the verge of something but have no idea what.

June 9
I woke this morning thinking of the cyclamen that are available in the nurseries and florists at the moment and it took me back to my time in Cornwall, of cyclamens, poinsettia and Yuletide trees side by side for sale for the season of Christmas . I must admit that I do struggle with the seasons here. Even though born and bred in Australia, my deep memories are of the northern hemisphere seasons.
I attended a workshop based around the Greek Goddess Hestia.. of the Hearth.. [Cerridwen could be the Celtic equivalent].. we created a clay hearth Goddess and mine has a Celtic feel about her.. so she will go on an altar for Cerridwen.

June 10
A beautiful new moon morning, woken by bird call. The magpies and twittering of smaller birds and a bird call that I could not place. The cold winter sky is blue with a splattering of clouds. A heavy dew lies upon the earth.
it's time to gather and bring towards you the things/people/ideas you want to encourage in your life. It's also a good time to plant those vegetables that grow above the ground!
I write down a list of things that I wish to gather to manifest for this time.. I light a candle and ask Cerridwen to help me with what I wish to create and manifest in my life now.

In the shower this morning, I was thinking of my path, my journey and I realised that since I had begun to shed my ‘Christian cape’ of past conditionings, I feel much lighter. Even the inner loneliness has lessened and there is relief of striving to be connected to the Divine, to be good enough. I feel stronger in my self. I sprinkle the blessed jasmine water on myself as if it is Hol-ly water. [Soak Holly leaves overnight in spring water under a full moon to make your ''Holly water". sprinkle the water around your home for psychic protection and cleansing]

I had woken with a feeling of dread.. next Friday, I am suppose to have a little ceremony for me to become an Oblate candidate..I feel like a fake – so I emailed the Nuns explaining my feelings.
I think I was attracted to being an Oblate, because of my past lives in Abbeys, the same as why I became a catholic in the first place.. but last week, I realised that what attracts me to the whole thing is the ritual of it all.
After I send the email, mild panic sets in and I feel as if I am bare. a few tears as well. I see myself under a tree, sobbing, on Mother Earth asking her for guidance [because truly, I have no idea what is happening to me with all of this].. it is like leaf, by leaf I am being made bare and it is scary stuff. But I must sit with it. Allow.
I begin to plan the Well that I am going to build in my garden. A Holy Well for Brighid.